Ep 100: I Am The Words You Are The Tune

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Misty: Yay. Yay. Yay. Here we are at episode 100. Actually, apple Podcast says it’s 1 0 1 because they include the trailer. The very first three minute clip I did introducing Mom to Mom mentoring two years ago whether it’s 100 or 1 0 1, it is an epic milestone and if you’ve been around this podcast for any amount of time, you know I love to celebrate.

So I am super excited to celebrate Episode 100 with one of my favorite people. Craig Hughes, my handsome hubby. Y’all have heard me talk about Craig before and he’s here in the studio with me today. Craig, welcome to Mom to Mom Mentoring.

[00:01:00] Craig: Well, thank you, Misty. It only took me a hundred episodes to get on this.

[00:01:05] Misty: Yeah, but you are the very first man that I have had the privilege of talking to here on Mom to Mom mentoring, and I know all the ladies that are listening are gonna lean in for your sage wisdom on what you’re going to share today.

[00:01:22] Craig: I’m saying that a little bit humorous. Yeah. ’cause I, I would probably like to do anything less than to be on the podcast right now.

[00:01:31] Misty: It did take a little convincing, didn’t it?

I can’t think of anybody I’d rather have on than you, because you’ve seen this grow from an idea to a reality and you know, only like 4% of podcasts make it to 100 episodes.

I

[00:01:50] Craig: know that, and I also know that. I’d love to just congratulate you because I’ve seen the effort you’ve put into this and sometimes it’s been hard. we travel a lot, and I know that interrupts the flow of being able to get the podcast out, but you’ve done it remarkably well over the past two years.

It’s all boils down because of your care and concern and love for women and where they’re at in life and the challenges they have, and you wanna be there walking with them. And this podcast just one of the ways you’re able to do that and. I admire that. I admire that. You stuck with it.

[00:02:32] Misty: Well, thank you.

You’re gonna make me cry before we even get started. And I think one of the beautiful things I’ve appreciated about you so much and our journey together is you’ve not only created space for me to live that out, but that you have cared about the people I care about. Women that I’ve mentored and walked with for years and years have grown to love and adore you and come to you sometimes for counsel before they come to me.

 Craig and I have been married for six years.

For those of you who don’t know, and we’re celebrating our anniversary

[00:03:07] Craig: six years Saturday.

[00:03:09] Misty: Woohoo. Gosh. It’s just all kinds of wonderful things but what we’re talking about has been something that we have, explored together. trying to understand what it means, what it looks like, how we do it in our marriage.

this is not an podcast about what the perfect marriage looks like.

[00:03:37] Craig: I hope not.

[00:03:40] Misty: this is about real life we’re not even gonna tell you how to do something, beloved. One. We’re going to just share our process and hopefully in the midst of us sharing, you might glean some wisdom and understanding [00:04:00] about your own journey So are we ready to dive in?

[00:04:05] Craig: Let’s give it a shot.

[00:04:07] Misty: Today we are going to have a conversation about connection. And how two people who are pretty different stay connected. What connection is, why connection’s important? And this is something, when would you say We first started our whole connection journey or trying to understand connection?

[00:04:34] Craig: well, I think we talked about even before we got married, when we went through the premarital assessment. Mm-hmm. it revealed some things, at least to me, some things that I really didn’t know about myself, it really played into. how I connected with others and especially with you.

So I think it began even before we got married.

But it really picked up the first, book we did. we study books together or used to, and one of ’em was, hold Me Tied by Dr. Sue Johnson. And it was pretty heavy stuff, but it was all about connection, disconnection, e emotional based therapy.

[00:05:15] Misty: the premarital. coaching that we went through was called Simbi, saving Your Marriage before it Starts, and we’re actually now facilitators for that. We’ve facilitated other couples that are considering marriage, in their journey.

This premarital assessment and then the. Book was actually recommended by our

[00:05:37] Craig: That’s right.

[00:05:38] Misty: Our

[00:05:39] Craig: facilitators

[00:05:39] Misty: culture we picked it up and it talked about the buzzword. I don’t know if it’s the buzzword today, but the buzzword used to be communication.

And I loved what this book said because it said that deeper than. Communication was this idea of connection. And if a couple is not connected, then basically all the talk in the world is oftentimes not going to get them anywhere. But I think connection doesn’t start with me trying to connect with you.

It’s like you said that Symbis assessment told you some things about yourself. Mm-hmm. So if you were in this new place of even connecting with your own self,

[00:06:32] Craig: right?

[00:06:34] Misty: so today we’re talking all about connection. Now I want you all to understand that Craig and I come from two different worlds what is it? Men are from Mars and women are from Jupiter or something like that. I think that’s pretty much true in our marriage because Just a few of the differences between Craig and I. I am a dreamer.

[00:06:58] Craig: And I am realistic.

[00:07:01] Misty: I see the world through rose colored glasses with sparkles and shine and all the good things.

[00:07:11] Craig: And I see the world through spreadsheets.

[00:07:15] Misty: This is true, I’m a verbal processor. I have to get everything out in order to understand what I’m trying to say,

[00:07:25] Craig: and I have to take everything away and contemplate it and dwell on it and tear it apart before I can put it back together and then try to express what I wanna say.

[00:07:38] Misty: I am. Someone who loves to live out loud, and I share a lot of of my life journey with other women

[00:07:50] Craig: and I am much more reticent quiet. I surround myself with just a few close guys.

I just had a thought [00:08:00] and you know how music is so important to me, and it seems like Neil Diamond has gotten big again and he has a song play me.

 it kind of describes us. I am the sun, you are the moon. I am the words, you are the tune. there’s other lines in there too, but that’s us.

the beautiful thing about that is that none of that’s bad. And each of those words compliment each other. And I think that’s what we do with each other because of our differences.

[00:08:32] Misty: thank you for sharing that. That’s beautiful.

we have a lot of differences.

 I’m sure you’re gonna hear More as we continue our conversation, but we have learned a lot about ourselves mm-hmm. And each other, and what it looks like to create a. Marriage that is not just life-giving for one of us, but life-giving for both of us.

[00:09:00] Craig: And I would also add maybe even life-giving for others, and that’s one of our aspirations is to be.

We will never be the perfect example, but we really do work hard at this and we wanna encourage others to do the same because they see us working at it too, especially our kids.

[00:09:23] Misty: Yeah. Yeah. And I think what’s so cool. Is that we’re older.

[00:09:29] Craig: Mm-hmm.

[00:09:30] Misty: it would be so easy to say, this is just the way I am.

I think that we both approach life with a sense of adaptability and a growth mindset that. Yeah. God is always making us better.

[00:09:47] Craig: Absolutely.

[00:09:48] Craig: that’s why he put this together.

[00:09:50] Misty: So how would you define, connection? this can be any marriage.

 if someone said, well, Craig, define what you mean by connection, what would you say? I.

[00:10:05] Craig: I believe that connection within a marriage is real, and I’m sure we’ll get more into this later, but it’s really rooted in a mutual respect for one another, and even to the point of assuming the best in one another.

And I think that’s especially true for men. men need that respect. and when they feel it. They feel connected, but I think the women do too. I think you want to be heard, you wanna be honored, you wanna be known.

And that’s a form of respect. All those are.

[00:10:42] Misty: so I grew up with that book love and respect.

And you know how I feel about that

[00:10:48] Craig: now. Yeah. I, I do know

[00:10:49] Misty: it’s, it’s not my favorite book anymore, so I do not recommend it. it says men want respect and I would agree with that.

[00:10:57] Craig: Mm-hmm.

[00:10:58] Misty: But I think one thing I have discovered, in our marriage,

I want respect as well. And that comes about in being heard and seen, When would you say that you feel most connected? To me on a regular day, not like when we’re on, a amazing adventure in Italy or climbing the high Hills in Spain.

But on a normal day, what does connection for you and I look like?

[00:11:33] Craig: It is really just the little things the. Touches as I walk by or the smile or the Thank you for making the bed, or, oh, can I get you some lunch it’s really gets down to showing respect for one another. It may even be a question, you come outta your office.

Hey, how’s your day going? it looks mundane, but some of the [00:12:00] mundane acts and words speak a lot.

[00:12:02] Misty: we have this morning ritual. You are smiling, right? And it’s a place that you really feel connected.

[00:12:11] Craig: Yeah, I do.

Usually I’m up before her. Then I’ll go in, wake her up I’ll bring her a cup of coffee and then we separate. She stays in the bedroom. I’m in the living room. There was a wall between us, but we both have our quiet time and. I told her one day, I feel so connected.

We’re not together. But I feel so connected to you. ’cause I know we’re both doing the same thing at the same time, and that just really makes me feel close to you. And she was, well, I don’t feel connected to you at all during that time, which shocked me.

[00:12:51] Misty: I think that’s a really.

Perfect visual and example of understanding what connection looks like for a husband and a wife, because for me it’s a very important time and I think it’s very sweet that you feel connected to me but. For me, connection would involve. a, conversation about what the Lord was speaking to us during that time.

Take me on the journey, let me know that things that. God is revealing to your heart

 how do you know we’re connected? what does that look like to you? And then I’ll share what it looks like to me.

[00:13:40] Craig: For me, it really gets down to respect, feeling respected by you, feeling accepted by you.

And because of that book, and you know this, I think I realize. just about any disagreement or any disconnection we had if I drilled down deep enough, a deep, deep fear of not being appreciated, not being respected, and when I even feel a twinge of that, that’s when I start to feel disconnected.

[00:14:12] Misty: That makes so much sense. the challenge is recognizing the twinge and addressing the twinge instead of it blowing up.

[00:14:24] Craig: But that’s the hard part.

[00:14:26] Misty: I know.

[00:14:27] Craig: We miss it.

[00:14:28] Misty: Yeah.

[00:14:29] Craig: But the good point up of it all is we’re getting better. I think we both recognize, oh, this goes down to that core fear I have about not feeling respected. Mm-hmm. Okay. What was it that was said that made me feel that way? And once you, you get to that point, it starts getting easier to dig your way out of that rut you’re in.

[00:14:50] Misty: Mm-hmm.

[00:14:50] Craig: And that hole. And then you can start respecting each other again. And get reconnected and, talk about it.

[00:14:57] Misty: you have to talk about it, but it gives you language.

[00:14:59] Craig: It gives you language exactly.

[00:15:01] Misty: you talked about your core fear and my core fear.

I feel like I have so many core fears, but I think at the root of them all is a fear of abandonment. Mm-hmm. I go into this self-protection, I’ll do it myself. I close myself off. just recognizing the core fears have been. helpful

[00:15:26] Craig: not just in ourselves, but when I recognize, when I’m questioning what, what did I say?

What did I do that made her withdraw so quickly? I can start, I know her core fear is abandonment and I can usually drill down deep enough to say, ah, no wonder she felt that way. And that helps me to start. Reconnecting

[00:15:49] Misty: what has been something that you’ve learned to do differently when you [00:16:00] start to feel disrespected and therefore.

disconnected.

[00:16:05] Craig: the first thing is just what we’ve been talking about is recognizing why you are feeling disconnected, how that connects to your own core, fear. but the other thing I’ve recognized too, I have these emotions, I’m lousy at naming emotions.

But I know they’re there and I know that if I’m able to identify ’em and name them and even sit with them for a while, and get it outta my system, and then just turn it over to God and let go of it. for me, that’s been one of the most powerful things to do.

 we even use an emotional wheel sometimes to help us do that. it has helped me tremendously.

[00:16:48] Misty: I wanna put a plug in. I have a free resource that includes that emotional wheel, but it’s called, notice name, feel, and free your emotions. And that’s just what you’re talking about exactly. but first you have to notice it and you have to give language to it.

What is it? What naming it? Yeah. You have to allow yourself to feel it. and then free it. there’s a, scientific study that says, an emotion can pass through us in 90 seconds. not storing it up or putting it on a shelf or letting it become toxic And wouldn’t that be cool if we had such awareness back to the question I asked you. One thing that I think I am aware of, and I think I’m still learning to do, it’s a little bit different than you, but for me it is about, addressing it in real time.

because I feel like if I can deal with it in real time, it doesn’t.

[00:17:53] Craig: it doesn’t get traction.

[00:17:54] Misty: Yeah, yeah,

[00:17:56] Craig: yeah.

[00:17:57] Misty: Because it’s a slippery slope.

how can you tell that you are drifting in that place of

[00:18:03] Craig: connection? Usually it’s not a drifting, it’s a jumping off the board into the pool of. Disconnection and it’s usually, that’s the scary part for me. We can be so connected and one word from you, or one word from me, or one action or something, and just like that, I drift into this deep hole where I’m feeling, why would you say that to me?

Or, I didn’t mean anything by that when I told her that I was just joking. And all of a sudden we’re both afraid to say anything.

[00:18:37] Misty: I think the thing is, is as you start to drift away, that touches my deepest fear. Mm-hmm. Which is abandonment. I feel that chasm of abandonment, aloneness, and I become self-protecting. then I go down my own slippery slope. But here’s the thing. So I wanna back up a minute because you said it’s like go diving off of a board the disconnect does not start when you dive off.

 the cliff. The disconnect started way back here somewhere.

And it’s recognizing. Those places and honoring them.

 How do you recognize those? Beginnings And what do you do with them?

[00:19:25] Craig: what scares me is when

you’ll say something and all of a sudden I’m in this funk, just like that. And you are too. And then it’s hard to get out of it.

 all of a sudden I feel like I’ve dived into this. Disconnection, but you’re right, it really has its source. Maybe a day, two days, maybe a week or two and it takes me a while to recognize that. It feels in the moment, it feels like it’s something happened, but when [00:20:00] I really start pulling away and start thinking about it.

I can go back to usually a certain instance or something that’s been in the back of my mind and probably has come forward at the wrong time and sent me into this, this disconnection that seems like it’s immediate, but it really happened at least several days before,

[00:20:23] Misty: maybe several days before when there was an action or something said that felt disrespectful.

[00:20:28] Craig: Right,

[00:20:29] Misty: I think that happens with me a lot. it’s not the big disconnect thing. It’s those small things that have led up to it that I think I’m working through, but maybe I haven’t given space to processing it or, addressing it with you Some of it’s just for me to work out, but then there are those things that it’s like, oh, no. I need to just be able to say this without being judged, him validating. And we can move on.

I, I wanna be heard.

and I’ve never had I, what I would call a safe place to.

Practice that in

[00:21:19] Craig: so you’re right, Misty. That. Even though it seems like all of a sudden I’ve one more that sent me into this disconnection, when I really think about it, I can go back and maybe identify something that was said or done or or something from several days ago, and I’ve tucked it away in the back of my mind.

I probably didn’t wanna talk about it at the time. Maybe I didn’t even feel safe to talk about it at the time. And when I do that. It starts building up a resentment within me because I want to share my feelings, but I don’t feel it safe, and that resentment starts to grow, and then the next time something’s said, bam, I’m disconnected.

Does that make sense?

[00:22:06] Misty: Yeah, absolutely. Which leads me to, we both talked about it, but the value of feeling safe. In order to feel connected.

[00:22:21] Craig: That’s big, and that’s what disconnection does. It makes you feel unsafe in the place where you need to feel safe to be able to get out of it.

[00:22:32] Misty: Yeah. So what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Does the. Lack of safety come and then that causes the disconnect or does the disconnect cause the lack of safety?

[00:22:46] Craig: Good question. Both. Hmm. I think it can be both ways.

[00:22:49] Misty: Mm-hmm.

[00:22:50] Craig: Yeah.

[00:22:50] Misty: we have acknowledged that connection is vital for a healthy marriage. We have talked about what connection looks like, what it feels like, how we know we’re disconnected, but now we’re in this place of safety. and if there’s been a disconnect and you have to feel safe to reconnect. How do you come to a safe place so that you can reconnect?

[00:23:19] Craig: I am not sure this is answering your question, but something that I’ve or am trying to learn about myself is when I’m feeling unsafe.

But I still have these feelings I want to share and talk about, but I don’t feel safe sharing ’em. I’m trying to adopt mindset. That’s good, because you’re feeling right now with such strong emotions that no matter what you say, it’s gonna come across way too strong. So this is an opportunity to let those feelings, to sit with ’em, to [00:24:00] own them, to experience ’em, and to give ’em to God.

And then you can probably be in a much safer place to talk about ’em.

[00:24:08] Misty: Mm-hmm.

[00:24:10] Craig: Does that make sense?

[00:24:10] Misty: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And that’s, I think that takes a lot of. Spiritual and emotional intelligence and, maturity. Because I was, as I was asking the question, I was asking the question in myself.

Mm-hmm. Too, and for me. when I get in those places and you know, Craig and I will say this to each other, I don’t feel safe with you right now. And we actually communicate that to each other that’s a sad place to be, but it’s the reality. I mean, we’re two broken people and we, as I said, we’re.

Uh, you know, seasoned. And so we’re not coming into marriage at the age of 20 and we’re trying to, learn each other and trust each other. for me, the passage that always comes to mind and I feel like the Lord is always reminding me is. his name is a high tower and the righteous run into it and are safe.

And so in our little quiet times in the morning, that’s where I picture myself often is just in Christ Jesus And he is my. Safe place. And when I am in him and. Surrounded by him and recognizing that he’s my safe place, then I can come to you because it’s not about Craig having to be safe for me.

 that’s another huge demand I can place on you. You have to be a safe place or else I can’t be connected to you. Yeah. And that’s not what God’s asking. God’s asking that he be my safe place. Mm-hmm. And that. I honor and respect you from that place of abiding in him. And so that’s something that I have learned and try to practice but it’s not easy.

Okay.

we had this talk, when we went on a walk in Florida about what connection actually looks like I love the day to day things that you’re talking about, but I would say for me.

That’s not, what connection looks like or feels like

[00:26:43] Craig: Yeah, that was a huge revelation for me. ’cause I think we had just come off a period where we had been disconnected and We worked through it I was feeling reconnected, and I think I told you I’m feeling connected to you and I really was, but I was shocked when you said, well, I’m not, and it showed me that you have a different level, much higher level of need for connection than I do.

[00:27:11] Misty: I think connection to is represented by curiosity when you are curious and conversational that, Just tells me, oh, he feels connected to me because he’s having conversation with me and I feel connected to him. when we’re sharing with one another and and it can be something we don’t even agree on.

[00:27:39] Craig: Right.

[00:27:40] Misty: those are times that tell me. Yeah. That we’re connected and I think especially if it’s something that we might not agree on and we are able to have this amazing conversation Yeah.

[00:27:56] Craig: I, I was just gonna say that is almost the highest [00:28:00] level of connection because you’re showing that mutual respect for each other and their differing opinions.

Or outlooks. Or viewpoints.

[00:28:08] Misty: Yeah, absolutely. Mr. Hughes, I always like to leave these episodes with one thing because these are busy ladies that are managing all the to-dos and trying to love their husbands well in the midst of life. And so If there’s one thing that you would love to say to these beautiful women that are leaning in and listening today, what would that one thing that you would want them to remember be?

[00:28:46] Craig: Thanks for listening.

I think in the world of connection and disconnection. Mutual respect plays a vital role. But going hand in hand with that is respect yourself.

And by that I mean look deep within yourself and try to figure out why you feel disconnected, what it was, what’s that core fear?

And once you identify that, then start building up from that. To reach that point of connection again.

[00:29:22] Misty: That’s good. those core fears are big. Hey, it has been fun hanging out with you. on a scale of one to 10, how connected do you feel to me?

[00:29:36] Craig: 15.

[00:29:40] Misty: Good answer.

[00:29:43] Craig: Can I ask you the same thing?

[00:29:44] Misty: Yeah. I guess

[00:29:48] Craig: six.

[00:29:49] Misty: Um,

yeah, it’s getting up there. this, audio set up for both of us to be able to sit in the same room and record has been a learning curve for me.

[00:30:05] Craig: Mm-hmm.

[00:30:06] Misty: I’ve spent probably a number of hours ordering the right equipment.

So that we could both record from the same room and then today all the connections. And I was thinking while I was trying to figure it out and talking to chat and this not working and that not working, I was thinking about what we’re talking about, like the idea of connections. And I think you know what’s important is you just keep trying.

Mm,

[00:30:39] Craig: you

[00:30:40] Misty: get the help you need. Like I had to get the help I needed from chat today, but you get the help you need, whether it’s a counselor or a coach keep in it and keep trying because the connection will happen. And you’ll be able to do what God’s created you to do, hang in there.

[00:31:04] Craig: Yeah.

[00:31:04] Misty: And don’t give up. Yeah. So, so that’s my,

[00:31:09] Craig: no, that’s beautiful. I totally. Second that.

[00:31:12] Misty: Yeah, so, so anyway, so thanks for being here. Thanks for hanging with me.

[00:31:16] Craig: I feel honored to be able to be on your 100th podcast.

[00:31:21] Misty: Yeah.

[00:31:22] Craig: And that is remarkable. And that alone makes me feel connected to you.

[00:31:28] Misty: Thanks, me too. So Beloved, remember when you shine, you give others permission to shine too, and the world will be a much brighter place. If we’re all shining the way that God has created us to shine, so do what you need to do to polish or shine and be the light that you’re created to be.

I’m [00:32:00] Misty Hughes. This is episode 100 of Mom to Mom Mentoring. We’ll see you next week.