Ep 115: Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships with Danica LaPorte

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Transcript

Misty: Somewhere between toddler years, grown-up years, most of us transition or try to transition out of this stage of being the, young daughter or being the know-it-all mom that has the answers to everything

We have to start figuring out how to relate to each other

[00:00:25] Danica: We pick up on, well, we’re not living where you think we should, so we are not.

Meeting the expectations of our parents. And no child really wants to not meet the expectation of their parents, even in adulthood. Even my eight and 10-year-old thrive to make mommy happy. And they really want us to recognize them as doing a good job.

[00:00:44] Speaker: And that in-between space, those in-between years, those figure-it-out times, they can be rough. They can be tender. They can be tumultuous And for a lot of us, that’s exactly where we’ve gotten stuck

Hey there. Welcome, friend. If this is your first time or your 50th time, I want you to know I am so glad you’re here I wanna invite you to come and get comfortable, grab your coffee, lace up your walking shoes, whatever it is, however you like to listen to podcasts, I want to invite you into that space with me today and offer you an opportunity to just, you got it, breathe

This is Mom to Mom Mentoring. It’s a weekly podcast of nourishing wisdom for Christian moms like you who are searching for peace, presence, and to fulfill their purpose in the middle of all that life demands of you. You know, mentoring matters, and none of us were meant to figure it out alone. I’m Misty Hughes.

I’m an ICF-certified life coach. I’ve mentored hundreds of women over the years. I founded a nonprofit back in 2008, And I am the creator of the Rhythm of Life framework. For over 25 years, I have walked along Christian moms who desire to move out of that space of overwhelm, stress, and into peace, clarity, and rhythms that actually fit their real life.

Today’s topic isn’t just professional for me, it’s personal. Stick around to the end, because I’ve got s- more to tell you about that. But before we jump in, if you are searching for a place to just sit back and breathe, I have put together a Rhythms of Renewal mini guide.

It’s a free tool to help you find rest in the midst of real, full life. So go grab it at mistyhughes.com/resources.

Now, today I’m talking to Danica LaPorte, a mom who left the corporate world to build a life around her family and built a business as well. When she couldn’t find the mom community that she needed, she c- started her own, and it grew to more than 25 women that were actually doing life together. Now she runs Under the Stars KC.

She creates unforgettable slumber parties and outdoor celebration experiences for families all over the Kansas City metro area.

Danica and I have talked more than once off the mic about this topic we’re diving into today, about the stuck places that we find [00:04:00] ourselves in in relation to our mothers or our daughters. These are tender places, and today we are having that conversation

 or a re-release of that conversation with a few current updates

This is the number one listened to podcast of Mom to Mom Mentoring, and I’m so excited to bring it back to you today. You have shared that this conversation about mother-daughter relationships is absolutely what you want to hear. Now hang on to the end because Danica and I hopped on a quick phone call for an update

 these kinds of conversations don’t just happen through the podcast or phone space, they happen in real time with real people, sit-across-the-table connection, I wanna tell you about Come to the Table. it’s my upcoming retreat taking place in November of 2026 for women who are ready to be fully present, who desire to be fully known, and fully fed.

And if you’ve been craving connection with God, with others, that isn’t rushed, if you’ve been eating the crumbs of His presence and are ready to step in and feast at the banquet that He’s prepared for you, head to mistyhughes.com/cometothetable. You’ll find all the details for this retreat or my next  retreat there

[00:05:54] Misty: danica, you’re a mom, you are managing home, managing marriage managing a relationship with Jesus, managing very successful and growing beautiful business.

 what’s your biggest challenge doing all of that?

[00:06:13] Danica: All of that.

Our pastor this weekend said something about change, and I think really if you dive down into who I am, a really like change. I like to do a lot of different things if something comes to me that feels exciting and new in that moment I struggle then to refocus on the things that I.

Had intentions on prior to. So it’s, what’s exciting, what’s new? And then what do I, lay down.

 it really comes down to time management. And really being able to manage all of the things in their excitement and constant change and and stay with one thing.

[00:06:53] Misty: What is one thing that you’ve stayed with

[00:06:57] Danica: working out?

[00:06:59] Misty: Mm, I

[00:06:59] Danica: work out three days a week. I have to, because my job is physical

 then another thing I’ve stuck with is being a mom first. letting things slide or letting things not happen within work or even marriage. In order for me to show up at PTA meetings to be at all my kids’ events and scheduling my busy schedule around what’s important to them.

[00:07:21] Misty: So what I hear is a woman who is committed to the things that are very important to her and consistent. And even in the change, she stays true to the things that are valuable and important to her. You’re really

[00:07:37] Danica: good at seeing those great qualities.

[00:07:39] Misty: it’s because I spent a lot of time beating myself up as a young mom because I didn’t feel like I could finish anything And I learned to go, now wait a minute, that’s not true about me. I am faithful. I am consistent with the things that are really important. And maybe it’s just that the [00:08:00] season for that was done. we’ve gotta find that good place, to settle our hearts in those things.

 you have offered me a lot of insight and wisdom in regards with my daughter who is married and has a family and has kids and so I would love to talk about these mom daughter relationships that can sometimes be challenging

[00:08:30] Danica: I’m excited to talk through with you because you are the mom in the this relationship that you and I are walking through and talking about and, and what’s great is to have a sounding board of somebody that is the other side, you know? And it’s really an amazing opportunity for us to talk through, like, Hey, this is how I’m feeling when you act this way, but why are you acting that way?

Because that’s something that it’s difficult to talk to about the person with, but is really great to talk to as you sound out things. And hopefully gives me some perspective onto the behaviors of my mom who, who still sees me as her baby.

[00:09:06] Misty: that’s a good place to start.

 a question I can ask myself is, how am I viewing this adult child? but she’s not a child, this adult human being that I raised

[00:09:21] Danica: My mom uses a, a phrase with me that’s a little triggering, well, you are my child. And I’m like, I don’t need to be treated that way anymore.

But she uses that phrase, well, you are my child. I want to do this for you because you are my child.

 so it’s difficult for me to relate to, even though I have small children, you know, I have a 10-year-old son and an 8-year-old girl, and how am I going to see them when they are in their forties and my adult children?

I, I don’t know how to make that transition for my mom to see me as the adult

[00:09:55] Misty: Yeah, that’s a really good point. I read a book as a young mom the author talked about how he was raising his children unto being adults.

And it was a mind set shift for me. Like, oh, I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults. my youngest son, we had coffee, it’s been a couple months ago. he said, I am tired of being your child.

And I was like, Ooh, okay. He’s like, can we figure out how to, change our relationship. Can you just be my friend? And I walked away thinking I will always be his mother, And so I don’t know what that, what he’s really wanting and, I need to explore that question and what his vision of that looks like more with him.

 what you’re saying is a real issue for our adult children Who’s don’t wanna be children.

[00:10:55] Danica: Yeah. my mom. she’s expressed the same stuff to me. I’ve said, Hey, I just wanna be in a different plane of relationship with you. And she says, well, but I’m your mom.

 In my scenario, my mom is still. Creating fixes and creating opportunities. where can I plug in and where can I have that opportunity to fix or be the mother or have a mothering nature. And instead of maybe coming alongside and just coming into that to a friendship relationship as opposed to a mom and I, I don’t know how to coach her.

[00:11:27] Misty: I want to explore this with you a little bit because this is important to me. you and I have talked on the side about expectation, but mm-hmm.

 In a perfect world, if you and your mom had that relationship, what, would, it look like?

[00:11:43] Danica: I, I don’t know how to have a relationship with my mom in a friendship way, but it would maybe be things similar to a friendship in my adult life.

 a friendship to me is someone who shares similar interests.

 at least when we talk about things we can talk and [00:12:00] compare, this is what happened to me. it becomes a, Hey, wow. I am coming alongside you it’s a hard one ’cause I don’t know how to make a friendship. I don’t know how to create relationship. And I think that’s maybe where I am stuck is how do we get from. Hey mom, my kids are sick. What do I do? And her giving me an answer to, Hey, my kids are sick. relating versus advice giving

[00:12:25] Misty: Danica, as you talk about this, I think of one of the most basic and powerful coaching questions that I have opportunities to ask is, what do you really want? And when you’re talking about this friendship with your mom, or when my son is talking about that’s a good place to start is to really clarify and define what do you really want?

 the word that I’m thinking of is mutual friendships, we love this person because they’ve shown interest in our life and there’s a reciprocation of being interested in each other’s lives.

And so when I think of that idea of mutual friendship, I think, well, I want them to be interested in my life as well. And I think when there’s that, the relationship can evolve into something beyond a mom child relationship.

[00:13:24] Danica: would say my mom would probably agree with you. I think she would like me personally to call more she would like to hear from me probably a lot more often. She has done things to encourage our family to reach out more. Like she’s created jokes with my kids, so she will message my kids a joke and they’ll message her back

 I would say that my mom has the same sentiment, but I don’t know if it’s a relational or a generational thing because of when we were littler, there wasn’t that need to know more about my mom’s daily life. I’m not gonna tell my kids I spent an hour recording a podcast with one of my friends today because, maybe because we’re not sharing those little details of our life as they get up into adult kids, then creating this gap of, I’m just living my own independent standard life.

 and that was something my parents did really well, is raised me to be a very independent, but I think my in independence now as the adult child is that I’m taking care of my lane and you’re taking care of your lane. And there hasn’t been a crossover

And then one thing with my mom specifically and I, is that we don’t even live. In the same place together. And she’s done an amazing job at trying to get us have Marco Polo dinners together she’s asked for those things.

As the adult daughter, I don’t know where the gap is for me to make that my priority. I have struggled to make the priority of, okay, nana is what we call her, wants to have dinner with us on Tuesday nights my busyness of my life can have an impact on whether or not I’m prioritizing time because of that interest in what she’s doing I appreciate you bringing it up because I know it’s hurting her heart.

 I have the be benefit of living with in-laws that live close to us. And so the gap of location has had an impact on my mom and I. not in an intentional way, but just because I see my in-laws at church on Sunday.

I, my husband is intentional about going to their house once a week. They babysit our children for us. we are in their everyday life just by location.

[00:15:24] Misty: you said something really good, about, the things you learned as a child and how your.

Modeling to your kids. And I thought, oh, you’re not gonna tell your kids that you did a podcast with me today. like they don’t care.

[00:15:43] Danica: what would that look like if you were A mom my age, What would it look like for you to sit down and tell your kids about your day?

Like how would you do that? Yeah.

[00:15:51] Misty: Before I get into answering your question I just wanna acknowledge you are a busy woman and so many. [00:16:00] Women that are listening to this are just busy moms.

so one thing that we did faithfully when my kids were growing up was dinner together. And so that was a time that we always connected, we always shared about our day. And even as the girls got older at least once a week we were together around the dinner table I think that was the prime time to talk about our days and to share with each other what was important, what happened, what was your win, what was different about your day?

I think the main thing is that I took time to share as well. Oftentimes because we want our kids to communicate with us, we aren’t taking the time to share about our wins.

I do believe it is an opportunity to train and equip our children to be interested in other people.

And here’s the thing, it doesn’t have to

be at the dinner table.

It might be good to just evaluate or reevaluate what’s really important to you, and then when you determine that, find the way to create space for that, to be a part of the rhythm of your family as well.

[00:17:19] Danica: We were a family that had dinner together on a regular basis too. my husband was not raised that way, so it’s been an interesting dynamic to make sure that he knows and understands that I think it’s super important to have dinner together.

And then my kids only are only eight and 10, but we are already at that point where it’s like, okay, which nights are we actually in the house together so that we can do that. I think what I’m curious to know is what kind of conversation pieces would you have during your dinner times what kind of questions would you ask at the dinner table to help your kids get engaged with what your, their mom was doing?

[00:17:52] Misty: it would be a question that everybody would take the chance to answer, and we’d have to listen to everybody and then we’d get our chance to share.

 the basic one is what was your win for the day, and why was that and important to you?

[00:18:07] Danica: when was the last time you asked your daughter that on a weekly basis? That’s a good question. So maybe it’s as simple as that.

 I think this is an exploratory time for both you and I to figure out, how I can be more respectful and involved for my mom, and then her finding ways or questions that lead us back

[00:18:26] Misty: We have incorporated a family discord. that has been magical and wonderful. And I will say there’s been, five years of separation in our family. And 2024 is the first time in over five years that we’ve come back together as a family just because of some things that happened.

 this discord has given opportunity, hear about everybody’s weekend. we do have that opportunity to share about, at least a segment of our lives. I think that would mean the world to my son If I just intentionally said, Hey, I wanna hear what was important about your week I’d love to celebrate that with you.

[00:19:07] Danica: one thing I think too that I I’m not the most responsive, so Maybe as a younger daughter I could be more responsive, but what would you, on her end, maybe a tip or an encouragement that you might give somebody a, a mom that feels like their adult children are not responsive and they don’t wanna get in the way?

[00:19:23] Misty: I would say this to the mom, put the ball back in the child’s court, especially if there was tension in the relationship and I was trying to bridge that gap. I would say, I love you. I wanna be with you.

I wanna know about your life that’s important to me. what would feel safe and comfortable to you?

[00:19:47] Danica: I do have a good mom and she has asked those things. I have struggled with responding. So if you have a child who struggles with responding, then how do you overcome that?

[00:19:58] Misty: I had one, yeah. [00:20:00] for a number of years it was painful. I just kept the light on if they didn’t respond because there was something maybe in the way I presented it that was triggering.

we’ve had these conversations since then.

And and a lot of her reason for not responding was because of my presentation. it felt overwhelming I kept learning how to to back off and how to package it in a way that was palatable for.

A daughter that was feeling very overwhelmed by a relationship with me at the time,

[00:20:44] Danica: how did, know that she was overwhelmed? Or was it just that you felt neglected?

I would say the answer to your question is yes, and I can’t really answer fully for my daughter because it’s her story and her journey, reaching out to her sometimes often felt overwhelming. I just don’t know how to answer my mom. I don’t know what she wants. I don’t know how to be the right daughter that she thinks I need to be, yada, yada, yada. So all of that is overwhelming. And so it’s easier just not to do anything.

I don’t know if neglected is the right term for what I felt. I do think that this is an opportunity for us as parents to not so much go, you’re my child, but hey, I’m the parent. I have to regulate my emotions.

I have to regulate. My, presentation. I have to be willing to not demand that my child meet my needs. It’s not their responsibility, and I think it’s a great opportunity for us as parents to be the parents.

[00:21:57] Danica: And I think, it’s also. Working through what that next level looks like, because you as a mom have never been a mom to an adult child at this age, how do we start to create that relationship that feels safe, comfortable, you and I have talked again on the side about overwhelming or over expectations. I think there are some expectations that maybe I think my mom holds for me that may not be true. And so things like, well, I expect you to respond right away to my text.

Maybe that’s my thought process, but my mom knows me. maybe you know your children that well, she’ll respond. And so my expectation of, well, I’m not doing the thing my mom expects versus what my mom’s actual expectation is.

And maybe a disconnect there too.

[00:22:44] Misty: have you and your mom even had a conversation about that? like where you’ve been able to say, Hey, just so you know, I sometimes may not respond to your text for three weeks.

[00:22:55] Danica: I don’t know that there’s ever been like a, Hey, this isn’t an offense to you.

It’s just where my life is at conversation. I think it’s an assumption that I assume she knows and that I assume I’ve told her, but I think that, I think there’s probably room to continue to say those things more than once. My mom and my husband are a lot alike and they want constant confirmation

[00:23:17] Misty: What would be good for your heart when mom comes to visit your home?

[00:23:22] Danica: We just need a break, my husband and I, and I think it’s just plugging in without

setting expectation.

[00:23:29] Misty: So I don’t

[00:23:29] Danica: know if it’s maybe touching base prior to visiting when any visiting relative, comes in and Expects us to be either raising our children like we were raised or expects us to be doing things in a certain way and they’re not being done. When any expectations are set before you enter into a visit, it can have an impact We’re fighting many battles. Maybe even an understanding of what battles we are fighting as a family. that’s what my journey is kind of with [00:24:00] you, is to talk through what does that journey look like?

 when you come in and set the expectations of, well, you could be doing this better because of this.

 we already feel a little overwhelmed that we’re not doing it that way.

 it’s not just my mom specifically, that’s back to that friendship conversation, right? Mm. So if a friend walked in the door and saw a dirty diaper on the floor and Cheetos spread around, and she might just sit with me and have coffee and ask me how things are as opposed to, well, let me help you do this and let me fix this and let me fix that.

how would you feel if the friend picked up the dirty diaper or threw it away? Or would that feel like, oh, she’s judging me,

I think it’s about like, hearing me first and understanding why the dirty diapers on the floor or why, and then saying, would it help if I picked up the dirty diaper diaper?

[00:24:52] Misty: instead of, making an assumption I don’t know about your mom or other moms out there, but when we go visit any of our kids that have grandkids, first and foremost, we wanna be with the grandkids.

 so we go in thinking if we can just play with the grandkids and be with the grandkids the whole time, that gives mom and dad some capacity, some breathing room. I think we’ve made that assumption that that’s our role.

 I told my daughter, when I’m coming, I’m not cooking any meals. I just wanna play with the grandkids, oftentimes I would go and cook and go to the store and do all this And then I’d go, gosh, I hardly got to spend any time with my grandkids.

[00:25:42] Danica: I think that setting the expectation of when I’m coming, when I’m gonna visit, this is where I want the expectation to be. And so I think that that’s what happens in our family is when she comes, I think she wants to help in certain ways, help clean the dishes, fold laundry, make our home the way I was raised in a clean and orderly home.

She wants to, because that’s, she thinks she’s helping to do that and she wants to spend as much time with the kids. I love that you said when I, I told my daughter I’m not gonna cook when I get there because I’m only gonna take the kids.

 great. Then I have the expectation that you are going to take the children literally from me so that I can, I can live in my house the way I want it to live so I can do the shopping the way that I, that it fits our lifestyle so I can do the responsibilities that I don’t normally feel have capacity to do because you’ve taken the actual children who need all my attention

But you’ve set that expectation.

[00:26:40] Misty: there is that desire as a parent, can we help you clean out the pantry? Or can we help you build those shelves in the closet? Or can we help you do this little home project? And typically they say no, you know? then that hurts, right?

 it’s like, we’re offering, I wanna do something that will help you. And they’re like no, we’ll get to it. I’m verbally processing here.

 I don’t know that it hurts so much as. I think it should be important to them to get that project finished.And so when we’re offering and they refuse the help, then I think probably what happens is I am offended that like you talk about your mom, that they’re not living their lives as I think.

 It should. So I’m just, I’m, I love that. I think you’re hitting on something. Awareness. I think I’m having this awareness and, and the thing is, is I bet they pick, I’m sure she picks up on that, right?

[00:27:48] Danica: Yeah.

[00:27:48] Misty: I’m

[00:27:49] Danica: sure that, and, and that’s exactly what it is. Then we pick up on, well, we’re not living where you think we should, so we are not.

Meeting the expectations of our parents. And no child really wants to not meet the [00:28:00] expectation of their parents, even in adulthood. Even my eight and 10-year-old thrive to make mommy happy. And they really want us to recognize them as doing a good job.

And so when you’re hitting the nail on the head when mom comes in and says, don’t you just want me to put all these clothes away for you? It’s like, no, we live with a pile of clothes on our bed at all times. Don’t worry about that. Get outside and play with the kids. Please.

 when she comes in and says, well, can’t I just do this?

Can’t I just take care of this project? Can’t I just hang these shelves for you? It’s almost like, yes, I know that’s a project on my to-do list, but it’s not my priority. And now you’re pointing out that I didn’t get it done and that hurts me.

[00:28:40] Misty: Okay. Okay. This is good. And so what would be what would be a life giving way to handle that?

 what would be the dream

conversation?

[00:28:58] Danica: That one’s a hard one. As a mom of kids, I would just want my kids to say. Mom, I want it done this way and do it as a daughter of a older parent

maybe it’s superficial, but money talks and hey, it looks like you’re struggling. I’m gonna take the kids so that you can take a nap and I’m also gonna give you $200 to hire a handyman to do what you need to do.

for me it’s not getting the project done, it’s. The time management of my entire life. And so where can I give you time back?

And then you can make the choice of what you wanna do with that,

[00:29:40] Misty: where I’m not as a mom, I’m not coming in and saying, this is where I think you should spend your time

[00:29:46] Danica: And so it’s more of a general sense of where can I give you your time back?

Where can I, and then I get to choose what that looks like.

[00:29:54] Misty: my husband and I, we genuinely want to help. Our children. they’re like, oh, hey mom, I’ve got this project I want you to help me work on.

And not that the project takes the whole time, I love serving and I wanna serve my kids

[00:30:12] Danica: that would be better in my mind to set the expectations that, hey, when you come, if you want to help, this is the area I want your help in.

whether it is, Hey, you’re coming, will you wash dishes every night while you’re here? Or, Hey, you’re coming. Will you put this closet together for me?

 you tell your kids, I want to be there, I want to help, I wanna be part of what you’re going through. Think about what, how I can help you. So it’s like, I’m coming, how can I give you your time back?

And then I’m setting some expectations, and then you’re setting some, I think it’s really about expectations not being met, which is what causes, the hurt.

[00:30:48] Misty: and you may come back and you may say, all I want is for you to be full on with the kids.

 Where I can step back from that parenting role,

 it’s a work in progress. Danica, you have a thriving business tell us first about your business and then tell us how to get ahold of you.

’cause you have a very unique niche in your business.

[00:31:13] Danica: Sure. I am a slumber party creator, so I help people celebrate in unique ways. We create slumber parties indoors and outdoors. We do the tents inside with slumber party beds. then we also are nature lovers, and so we love to get people outside in luxurious ways. So we do outdoor glamping experiences. We do picnics for all occasions, we create outdoor spaces in the winter in igloos and domes.

 our company’s called Under the Stars, kc, and you can find us at under the stars kc.com and all the different social media outlets to see a little bit about the work that we do. And our contact information is on our website.

[00:31:54] Misty: Danica, thank you so much for hopping back on here with me [00:32:00] and revisiting our, discussion. I don’t even know when that was, but I don’t know if you realized, it is the mo- Our, our conversation about mother-daughter relationships is the most listened to podcast of Mom to Mom Mentoring.

[00:32:22] Danica: I just remember us sitting together having coffee and talking about, “Hey, this is how I feel about my mom.” “Oh, this is how I felt my- about my daughter.” “Oh, wow, those two, two things connect.” And it just building into this, we should tell more people and have this conversation, in a public space.

And so I, am excited. I don’t doubt that women wanna hear about how to steward their relationships with their moms better, I have that same struggle, and so it’s really cool to know that there are plenty of people out there who are in the same dynamic, and they’re looking for ways others have handled it

[00:33:00] Misty: Yeah, and I it’s always comforting to know, oh, I’m not alone. And, uh, I do want to learn from women that have gone before me, and we didn’t necessarily have any answers, but you offered some suggestions and insight for me in my relationship with my daughter. I hope that, as our discussion unfolded that you were able to think about, okay, what are some ways that I could revisit these challenging places in my relationship with my mom?

And so I wanted to revisit, just where you’re at now and ask you, has anything shifted in that relationship with your mom?

[00:33:46] Danica: Yeah. I think that one thing that you reminded me to do is for me to be the initial communicator and reach out. my mom has want, wants me, to make those connections so that she doesn’t feel like she’s overstepping. and so that’s something that I haven’t done well. and then I feel like our bridge is being mended. We’re h- able to have more open conversations, but there is still, tension. So it’s like we’re walking on a tightrope of a bridge as opposed to some people who have this solid foundation. Her and I are still working through what does it mean to communicate without offense, without hurt feelings, as well as, how do we communicate more often so that each of us feels heard and seen?

[00:34:29] Misty: I just want to acknowledge, I think it is hard when there’s so much distance. That’s one thing that I’ve recognized keeping the lines of communication open when you’re not talking all the time or you’re not in the same space. It does present a greater challenge, and the intentionality on both parties has to help bridge that gap.

But as far as my relationship with, you know, my, my daughter that is also a mother, I to step in from that place of curiosity and not assuming that I know what she needs, but to ask, “What is it you need?”

Instead of going in and saying, “Well, I’m gonna do A, B, and C because I perceive that’s what you need.” And that is just judgment on my part and wrong. So I’ve tried to approach her honoring, who she is as a wife and mother and the challenges that she has that are so different from the challenges that I have.

And so that’s been really good for, us to be able to even talk about that because she did listen to the podcast too, and we were able to communicate about some things, that you and I had talked about.

[00:35:50] Danica: I, and, and I think that’s the point, right? It’s ne- there’s growth in our relationships with our parents and our kids. It’s about what is, what are we doing to [00:36:00] help those relationships and build those bridges and, and make those foundations stronger? And just as a reminder to your listeners, my mom lives in Seattle and I live in Kansas City, so it’s a large gap of physical distance between us.

 those intentionalities that both of us have to take, to kind of bridge those gaps.

[00:36:17] Misty: Yeah, they matters.

[00:36:19] Danica: that you’re doing

[00:36:19] Misty: Yeah, yeah. Well, it’s a learning process, I have four children. and it’s a different journey with each one is what I’m finding. It’s no one-size-fits-all, for sure. they each have different needs. as I was raising them, they each had different needs back then, and needs that weren’t met.

 So I’m continually learning. I’m on a, I’m on a lifelong journey So what about navigating this space with your own children? You are still right in the thick of parenting, raising children, and I think for so many of us, it’s not that we don’t love or honor our parents, but there’s things that we hope transpired different, and that maybe change as our children become adults in the way we parent.

So what does that look like as you navigate your children into adulthood?

[00:37:21] Danica: O-one space that’s really been brought up for me a lot with not just my parents, but in the, in my generation in general, is that, hey, my parents never apologized. and so I’m not saying that my parents never did. my mom apologizes a lot now for the past. But what I try to do is apologize in the minute of what’s happening.

And so I’m really conscious of, oh, that didn’t come across right, so I’m gonna repent to the kids. Or that was a silly rule that I made, or that was a silly reaction and screaming Can I apologize, and can we talk about what you might have been feeling in that moment? And so just really being as opposed to the authority that I saw my parents as, as this is their rule and it doesn’t…

 my voice doesn’t matter. we take time to recognize that we are faulty, and we apologize a lot in this home. An apology for real not just, “Oh, I’m so sorry that hurt your feelings,” but, “Oh, see how that was not cool for mom to be like that. Let’s talk about what

[00:38:20] Misty: Yeah. And you know, one thing when you’re sharing about that, one thing I hear is that you make a space not just for the apology, but you make a space for them to express how they might have felt or what they maybe misunderstood or anything, and I think that’s really huge. There are… I think there are, you know- Good ways to apologize, and there are ways that maybe we’ve been taught that aren’t the healthiest way.

And, I actually have a whole podcast, I think, on, repentance and apologies. it’s a whole place of understanding, and a place that we can grow and mature as women that are confident and know how to walk in humility, which is a beautiful thing and what you’re practicing. this, this is episode 115.

And it is, the re-air of the top episode of all of Mom to Mom Mentoring. it is a perfect segue into, I guess what I’m gonna be calling Season 2 of Mom to Mom Mentoring, where I’m actually going to bring on a co-host. and we are going to talk about this very thing because the co-host is actually one of my daughters, and I was estranged from her for about five years.

so she is gonna be my co-host. We have since [00:40:00] reconciled. It’s been amazing, and we have so much fun together. But we have had a lot of conversations over the couple years that we have been reconciled, and not just conversations about our relationship, but conversations about, loneliness, friendship for women, conversations about, seasons of change and transition, conversations about dating, just parenting even though she’s not a parent.

We’ve just run the gamut, and we’re like We should be doing a podcast for this. I bet other women are talking about this. And not that we have the answers, but just the conversations. the first few episodes, we are gonna address that season of our lives when we were apart

But Danica, the reason I’m prefacing all this is I’m… Number one, I’m really excited about this transition, but I want to ask you, for your words of encouragement, caution, maybe challenge that you would have as we step into this new place for Mom to Mom Mentoring

[00:41:13] Danica: Well, I’m excited ’cause I think that it shows in your podcast that this is what people want. They wanna know how do moms and daughters connect more and how do we relate, and also where do we start the foundation of, repairing past hurts were. So I’m excited to hear what it, it is gonna be for you guys. I think that just having an opportunity to be unoffendable. I mean, conversations are gonna come up where you haven’t heard from her what she was thinking or what was happening in a season. I consider my high school years to be very bubbled into what my perspective was and then my mom’s perspective. and we’ve never really actually connected on th- that level. So there would be things if we were talked about that, that would be, revealing to where we are now t- as we are adults. And, and so just being prepared for those kind of conversations and setting a space to listen without judgment or, even condemnation on yourself as a mom of what should I have done or what could I have done differently at that time, ’cause it’s not about that, it’s about how we’re moving forward

[00:42:19] Misty: That’s really good. I know that there are, there’s gonna be different emotions that rise and, Just being able to lean in and listen to each other

I think, gonna be key as we move forward. So thank you. I appreciate you hopping back on here with me and sharing where you’re at now, where, God is leading you as you continue to build that bridge, lay those bricks, and continue to build that solid foundation with your own kids,

[00:42:52] Danica: I’m excited for what you guys are building based off of a conversation we had over coffee. It’s pretty neat what people wanna listen to

[00:42:58] Misty: Okay, typically I end the show with if there’s one thing I want you to take away from today’s podcast, but I wanna switch that up a little bit. I’d like to ask you, what do you wanna carry away from my conversation with Danica that is important for your heart or your relationships in this season? You know, our mother-daughter relationships don’t just happen by accident.

They happen because someone decides to ask the real question. Someone decides to be authentic and transparent, and then they stay in the room for that honest answer. Which leads me into our upcoming season two episodes of Mom to Mom Mentoring, where I am gonna have those kinds of conversations, you guessed it, with one of my daughters.[00:44:00]

Now, if this stirred something in you, if you’re anxious to hear more about these kinds of conversations, it doesn’t have to end here. All you have to do is hit that follow or subscribe button, and you will get Mom to Mom Mentoring showing up in your podcast feed every week. And you can send it-

Now, wherever you are in this journey, maybe you’re a mom learning how to let your adult children become adults. Or perhaps you’re the daughter that’s still struggling with finding her voice with her own mother. You know, grace is available to everyone in the process. You don’t have to have it all figured out today.

You know, I’ve shared this multiple times, and I love what Matthew 5 says in the message. It’s not, in short, it’s not that you are meant to hide your light. You are meant to let your light be seen. Set it high on a hill so that others can see it. Others can find their way into authenticity, into honesty

You know, when you shine, even in these tender, hard relationships, you actually give others permission to shine too. And maybe it starts with one honest phone call this week. Now, I have to tell you, this episode is more than just a great conversation. It is the doorway into that something new that I’ve been telling you about.

Starting next week, I am bringing someone into this podcast who has been in my life since the day she was born. It’s my daughter, Morgan, and she’s the kind of woman who creates the atmosphere whenever she walks into the room. You feel it before she even says a word. This is becoming Morgan and Mom, real unscripted conversations between the two of us about the things that we actually have overcome, are overcoming in our relationship as mother and daughter, and also about the things that we actually talk about as busy women.

We’re not coming to you as experts. We’re coming to you as a mom and a daughter talking honestly about change, significance, joy, friendship, loneliness, the things that show up in real time, whether we plan them or not. Morgan is one of the strongest, most articulate women I know. I cannot wait for you to meet her.

I’m Misty Hughes. You’ve been listening to Mom to Mom Mentoring. Now, go shine.

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