Ep 120: Looking My Daughter in the Eye with Morgan & Mom

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Transcript

[0:00] MISTY: Hey there. It’s me, Misty, just me right now here in this little podcast studio space. Morgan is not able to join me for this part, but you’re gonna hear plenty of what she has to say in the episode itself. I wanted you to know that this is still Mom to Mom Mentoring. I’m still Misty Hughes, ICF certified Christian women’s life and leadership coach who has developed this amazing Rhythm of Life framework that I take all of my clients through in order to help them discover, define, develop, and display all the beauty of who God created them to be. But we have a new twist on the Mom to Mom Mentoring podcast.

I am joined every week now, season two, after 115 episodes in season one, with my daughter, Morgan. We are having real-life conversations about things that matter — things that matter to us, and my guess is things that matter to you — about relationships with each other and others, about loneliness, about pursuit of friendships, about how to live, lead, and love as confident women, and so much more.

And I am so glad you are here with us today. Now — last week, Morgan shared something that I needed to sit with more to process. I told her that on the episode. I needed time before I responded more fully and freely. I didn’t wanna rush past what she said and the pain that she was expressing that she had felt during a season of life when I thought everything was hunky dory.

And this, today’s episode, is my response to what she shared. It’s me sitting face to face with my daughter saying, “I’m sorry for something that is really real.” This episode’s tender, so stay with us for it.

[2:21] MORGAN: And we’re live. Day two.

MISTY: Day two. Clap.

MORGAN: So —

MISTY: How are you feeling today?

MORGAN: Great.

MISTY: Are you?

MORGAN: Yeah. Good. I feel like we’ve been in a pressure cooker, and it’s good.

MISTY: Ah.

MORGAN: Yeah. I just feel like — I was going to bed last night, and I was thinking, “Man, I just feel really lucky that we get to have this density of conversation.” I mean, it’s a lot and intense. I was so exhausted yesterday. So we left our recording, and then we went and had happy hour, and then we went to square dance, and we made it through two dances, and I was beat. And I have a pretty endless energy supply. It’s very rare for me to feel depleted, and I was just like, “Oh, wow, I’m done.” I was making my dog’s food last night, and I was like, “I think I just need to be—” Because it’s a lot. It’s a lot of deep things to talk about.

MISTY: Yeah. And I think both of us — we were just talking about this over lunch — in the evenings, probably me more so than you, but we have that quiet space in our lives.

MORGAN: Yeah. And we were just engaged all day.

MISTY: All day. And it’s good. I feel very lucky that we — like, are in this boot camp or whatever — of our relationship.

MISTY: Yeah. Boot camp, that’s a good word. Okay. I wanna start today — so I wanna look at you. We’re gonna look at each other here for a minute. I wanna start today by apologizing, and I want to apologize because my offense cost you something.

[4:00] MISTY: And I am sorry for what you lost in a relationship with a father that I know loved you, and he loves you. And so I just want to tell you, I am deeply, deeply sorry for what it cost you.

MORGAN: Thank you, Mom. Thank you.

MISTY: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

[4:00] MORGAN: And, you know, we were talking about this after we turned off our recording yesterday, but what’s really interesting is about… it’s really interesting, like a historic hurt versus a present hurt. Like, if you’ve done something in real time that has hurt me, then I can say, “Hey, you did this thing,” and we can make amends in the moment, and we can make a different plan moving forward.

But something that’s 20 years old, like, that cake is baked, and so it’s a different process. And I think — what I was trying to say yesterday, and I’ll say again — is that I’ve counted the loss, I have accounted for that loss of time or trust in my relationship with you and in my relationship with Dad, and I’ve grieved it, and I’ve been mad at you, and I have been distant from you for that reason. And there was a loss in trust in our relationship and a loss in closeness in my relationship with Dad. Maybe I’ll feel sad or grief or angry about that again in a different way or time.

So I’m not saying “Oh, it’s over. I’m done,” but why I think it is good to talk about now too is because it wasn’t irreparable. And it did change the trajectory of our relationship or my relationship with Dad, but that’s not net negative. And I still have a loving and supportive relationship with both of my parents, and that’s just as much about my choices as about your choices. And so I no longer feel like I’ve been robbed or cheated or deprived or anything, and it’s just a different story than maybe what we would’ve started out writing.

[6:48] MORGAN: And I guess it’s just — I think about this a lot with a lot of things in my life. I think, “Okay.” So I grew up, and I was homeschooled, and that means I was grading my own math tests from the age of 11, and we all know how that went.

MISTY: She did really good.

MORGAN: Yeah. Wow. That meant that when I went to community college, I took two years of remedial math to pass statistics, so there was — I was a generous grader. And I use that as an example to say I didn’t necessarily have a very cohesive education, and there was some makeup time when I went into a traditional academic setting. And I will tell you, there have been absolutely times in my life where I’ve been like, “Man, I wonder what I would have been if I had been in a private school or in a more rigorous academic environment that was preparing me for university.” ‘Cause when I went to college, it was sort of an afterthought, and it was like, “I don’t know what I would study. I don’t even know what I’m good at,” but at the same time, I regret nothing.

[8:00] MORGAN: I wonder sometimes. I’m like, “Man, maybe I would’ve been a really good statistician.” But I was so behind by the time I got to that point — and let’s be honest, probably not. If I had equal exposure to different academic pursuits earlier on and some really dialed-in tutors, and did some assessments in high school and aptitude tests and an ACT prep course or anything like that, I may have picked a different major. I just picked English when I was in college because I was always really good at reading, therefore good at writing.

MISTY: I was gonna say, and writing.

MORGAN: Yeah. Yeah. And so I’ve wondered sometimes, I’m like, “Oh, did I study the best thing? I just studied the most natural thing.” There are a million things in my life and in your life that could’ve been more perfect or more structured — in a nuclear home with different resources, or whatever we’re seeing around us — that would’ve set us up in a different trajectory relationally, vocationally, economically. But then we wouldn’t be who we are, and damn, I love who I am.

MISTY: Yeah.

MORGAN: And I love who you are. And I wouldn’t take a cookie cutter path for anything. My story is so storied, and I have the gift of being completely myself and fully embodied in who I am, and I don’t think I would if I had everything given to me.

[9:48] MORGAN: And anyway, I think about that in our relationship too, or my relationship with Dad. Like it doesn’t really matter if everything was perfect or structured or given to me or wrong or right. What matters is where we are today, and where we are today is so good, and I am so grateful.

MISTY: You just communicate so clearly and beautifully, and I’m glad you majored in English because I think that was a really good fit for you. Thank you for expressing your gratitude and your joy about who you are. And yes, all of the experiences of life have fed into the development of this beautiful woman that I get to sit next to and share this space and this time with. I want none of that to take away from the reality that even so — all of that is so true. That — and even so — you have counted and taken account of the loss. And you have gone through all of that. I still believe wholeheartedly in, I guess, the gift of repentance. And so you said yesterday, “Mom, that’s behind,” and yada, yada, yada. Yes, and — thank you for giving me the opportunity to look you in the face and say, “I hear you, and I recognize the loss in your life, and I am sorry.”

MORGAN: Yeah. Thank you.

[12:00] MORGAN: And it made me think of this time, one time at some revival thing where emotions are high — and maybe in another episode we can talk about what I would call cult-ish things and just the religious environment in which I was raised — but I remember one time there was some call for repentance or something like that, and I don’t know if it was at that moment or at a different moment that was triggered by that moment, but you wept and you said to me, “Morgan, I’m so sorry that when you were a baby I didn’t rock you. I was busy, and you were the second child, and I was a young mom, but I just didn’t hold you enough and I didn’t rock you.” And, for further context, I’m big on physical touch, and that’s always been a narrative of a gap in our relationship for me as a child.

And it’s a joke now in our family, but when I was eight years old, for Christmas one year, I hand-stitched my mom a thing on a piece of fabric with hearts hand-stitched around it, and it said, “Have you hugged your kid today?” And my dad got that framed, and that was my Christmas gift to my mom, because at eight years old, I wanted my mom to hug me more. And it is a joke now because I was not good at spelling, and it says, “Have you huged your kid today?”

MISTY: But nobody knew — your dad didn’t recognize it, and I think it hung in the house for a while before anybody —

MORGAN: Yeah. It was probably one of my brothers that pointed that out. Little jerks. But now it’s like a joke. There’s been this theme — I have memories of wanting Mom’s attention and wanting Mom’s affection and not receiving that. That moment when you came and you were crying and you just were sad and sorry that even as a baby you didn’t give me the attention and the affection that I wanted — Mom, that’s a moment that’s built trust in me and you for our relationship heretofore. That’s why we could talk about that yesterday.

[13:46] MORGAN: Because I know that you do believe in the power of repentance and in acknowledging the loss. And that’s something that I love about you, and that I’m proud of, and I talk about when I talk about you — that my mom changes. My mom is not the same person now that she was 10 years ago. And beliefs that you held then, or ways that you acted, or things you did or didn’t do — if those things have changed — so I think about that moment. That was probably, I don’t know, I was probably like 15 or 16, so 20, 25 years ago. And even that is a part of our story now, and that showed me who you are, and that built trust in me, in you, so that we could have conversations like the one that we had yesterday and the one that we’re having right now.

MISTY: Yeah. That’s good.

MORGAN: You have a track record of being just aware and wanting to love in the very, very best way that you can. And when you realize that the way that you are loving or giving love isn’t right or enough, or isn’t being received as such —

MISTY: Or what somebody needs.

MORGAN: Yeah. And then you have a track record of owning that and doing it differently, and I definitely see that in the way that you grandparent. You are so attentive and so affectionate — it’s really different.

[16:00] MORGAN: You learn, and then you live out — or you live upon — what you’ve learned.

MISTY: So thank you. Those things are really important to me. And I was even talking to Craig, my husband, this morning, just sharing with him more about my heart and my desire, and — yeah, I want to love. Years ago, I thought about, oh, what do I want my epitaph on my tombstone to say? And I have always said all I want it to say is she loved well. So it’s like — sometimes you think about what’s my life mission, what’s my life goal, where am I gonna be in 10 years. And I love those things, right?

MORGAN: Not, not me.

MISTY: I know. But ultimately I want to love well, and it starts first and foremost with the people I love the most. And if I’m not loving you well, and my husband well, and expressing that love and growing in kindness and patience and gentleness and self-control, and not keeping account, and all those things that we learn or read about how love looks and acts — I have much to learn still. And I just feel, through our conversations, that God is forging out a deeper place for me to be able to love. And ugh, it’s painful, but it’s so good. It’s like — because I’m like, “That’s what I want.” I don’t want anything more.

[17:54] MORGAN: Do you wanna know what my epitaph would be?

MISTY: Yeah, what’s your epitaph? Wait, wait, wait a minute. Do you remember? Oh no, you’ve told me, huh?

MORGAN: It’s — I saw it on a coffee can at a Trader Joe’s one time, and I was like, “Oh, that’s it.” It’s a descriptor of a coffee. But I was like, “That should be my epitaph” — bright, sweet, and mildly nutty.

MISTY: Oh, yeah. That’s good.

MORGAN: I don’t know if that’s true. I think I’d wanna — a little bit more than that, but —

MISTY: That’s pretty good. That’s darn good, so yeah.

MORGAN: Great in the mornings.

MISTY: Write it down somewhere. Okay. Let’s put a pin in this.

MORGAN: Cookie?

MISTY: A cookie. I can’t — I told you I can’t do that all the time. Okay, let’s do one more, and then we can get a cookie. And coffee. Let’s kind of give a little teaser.

MORGAN: Okay. We can talk about sex.

MISTY: No, I’m not ready for that. That is awful. — Okay, no, I’m just kidding. Let me look at podcast ideas with Morgan. Let’s just say, “Hey, you’re gonna have to wait till after the cookie to come back and listen to what we have to say.” Cookies inspire.

[19:47] MISTY: That’s the conversation I owed Morgan, and honestly, I’m grateful I got to have it out loud with her instead of just carrying the thoughts of it in my mind or in my heart. Next week we’re gonna do something a little different. You’re going to actually meet Morgan — her story, what she’s learned, who she is outside of just being my daughter. I think you’re gonna love her as much as I do.

Now, if today’s conversation meant something to you, would you do Morgan and I a favor? Would you go onto your podcast app and leave us a five-star review? It really helps our new format gain momentum. Also, subscribe so you don’t miss a beat — we have some super fun conversations coming up. And if there’s someone in your life that needs to hear a real apology and how it lands, send this her way. Until next week —

[20:51] MORGAN: All right. I’m Morgan, and I love you.

MISTY: I’m Misty, and your mom, and I love you.

This is just us, talking. If you want to go deeper into any of it, here’s where to find me.

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