Ep 93: ADHD In Moms – Stop Fighting How God Wired You

Here is the reality. I raised four kids. I led ministries, poured myself into other women’s lives. Loved most moments of all of it. The whole time. There was a quiet whisper in the back of my head that said. Misty, why can’t you finish one thing without moving to another?

[00:00:29] Misty (2): Why does everyone else seem to have it all together? They have their systems, they have their process, they follow through when you’re always half a wall painted and then onto the next thing, truthfully. That is literally how I have lived most of my adult life. Probably my child life too.

I avoided this label for so long. In the Christian circles that I ran in, people would say, . Don’t. Let your children get that diagnosis. A label will follow them around for the rest of their lives. They’ll be known by the label instead of their identity in Christ. I held onto that belief.

I parented from that place and I wonder now how things might have looked different for me. For my kids, for the women that walked alongside of me, and I burned out on ideas and unfinished projects and jumping from one thing to the next. Now I am 61. I have a daughter who has actually received a diagnosis of A DHD.

At the age of 36, I have grandchildren who are brilliant and neurodiverse. I don’t wanna run from this anymore. I wanna understand the fearful and wonderful way that I’m made, that my children, that my grandchildren are made. I want the education, the equipping, the self-compassion. That I didn’t have before or was never invited into, and here’s something that might surprise you.

It did me. According to the CD. C, boys are diagnosed with A DHD at twice the rate of girls, and girls are diagnosed on an average of five years later, researchers now believe that this isn’t because fewer women have a DHD, which they once believe that It’s because we’ve been missed.

We’ve learned how to mask, to strive to quietly struggle while looking like we had it all together. We were taught to do that in our families in the church. And if that sentence stirred something in you, I wanna invite you to keep listening. I am so glad that you are here. whether this is your first time you’re joining us or you have been with us since the beginning, pull up a chair. Take a deep breath. This is. Your space. You are welcome exactly as you are. I’m Misty Hughes and you are listening To Mom To Mom mentoring.

This is a weekly podcast that offers soul nourishing wisdom for Christian moms who desire peace, presence, and purpose. In the midst of life’s demands, we talk about real things with real women from a real faith perspective, and we always leave room for abundant grace. I’m an ICF [00:04:00] certified professional coach.

A mentor gratitude guide, celebration coach, and. A fellow mom who has lived What I talk about on this podcast, I created the Rhythm of Life Framework. This is a faith centered process for high capacity moms who are ready to stop living from pressure and start living from purpose. I’ve walked alongside Christian women, helping them move from.

Overwhelm into peace, clarity, and God aligned rhythms of life. I have launched four adult children and teach what I have lived. Now, before we dive in, if you are not yet a part of our Mom to Mom mentoring Facebook community, I wanna personally invite you in. It is a beautiful grace-filled space where moms like you are showing up for each other in real and meaningful ways.

Come find us on Facebook, mom to Mom mentoring,

Before I hand things over to our guest, Cassie, I wanna tell you about something I am so excited about. If you are a busy, ambitious Christian mom who has been longing to renew your sense of purpose, to stop living from that ever expanding to-do list and start living from your God-given identity.

I want to invite you, to The becoming 12 week group coaching cohort the wait list is active now. Becoming is a 12 week journey where we’re going to do some deep, beautiful, sometimes hard work of stepping into who God actually made you to be. you’re gonna be invited to discover and define your own rhythm of life and release what no longer belongs to you.

We do it together in community with coaching, with a whole lot of grace and with Jesus. You can join the wait list right now at

Mom to Mom mentoring.com/rhythm.

and if you wanna talk through whether this becoming cohort is right for you in the season of life you are currently in,

Grab that free clarity. Call. mom to mom mentoring.com/call. I would love to hold that space for you. Okay, now are you ready? Let’s get into it.

I am so excited to introduce you to Cassie Miller. Cassie is a certified A DHD coach. A mom of four adult children, a grandmother of three. But here’s what makes her story so powerful. She spent much of her life managing overwhelm and burnout without knowing she had a DHD Picture this, she’s raising four kids.

She’s serving in executive leadership roles in the nonprofit sector, very public facing high pressure positions, and the whole time she’s masking, pushing through, carrying an invisible mental load that almost no one could see. She describes it as constantly feeling like she had to be on. Perfect in all things at home and at work.

She was caught in the cycle of comparison, scrolling through social media, convinced that she was not doing enough when the whole time she was actually doing more than enough now diagnosed. And on the other side of that journey, Cassie has dedicated her life to supporting adults with A DHD [00:08:00] through her work at Soul Spark Coaching and Consulting, Cassie defines herself as a resource navigator, helping people find their way when everything feels confusing and overwhelming.

I am so grateful Cassie is here today to help you and me understand A DHD better. Whether we have it, suspect we might or are married to someone who does or have children who do. This conversation is going to be so impactful.

Cassie, welcome. Welcome to Mom Mentoring.

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

I’m really excited to be here. And I’m feeling like the bar has been set high. I’ve gotta keep up.

Oh, no. ’cause remember, you’re free from that. It’s not about being

perfect. That’s right. For

any of us.

[00:08:56] Cassy Miller: I will show up as my true self today.

[00:08:59] Misty (2): I feel like I’m still on that journey, so I am so thrilled you are here to enlighten us as to how we get there.

Hey, I would love to start I’ve shared a little bit about your journey. So are there some details that will be really beneficial for us to know as we dive into our conversation that I didn’t cover?

[00:09:23] Cassy Miller: I think the thing that jumps out the most to me is that

I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my late thirties. And so I had, gone through my entire life not really understanding what was happening, feeling like I was striving so hard. just. Never feeling like it was enough.

And I unraveled a little bit in, in my mid to late thirties and knew something wasn’t right and continued to meet with, my medical and mental health team trying to understand what was going on. , And it was really dismissed, which I think a lot of people, , I’ve heard from a lot of different people with a DHD, that’s something that they experienced in fact, one of the things that were said to me is you would not have been able to hold a job and have a career as long as you have if you had a DHD, which is quite an insult, I think.

 Oftentimes we are performing at a level trying to keep up, keep our head above water, that’s where masking comes in. It can really look like we’ve really got it together, but on the inside we’re just, we’re really struggling.

And it’s often dismissed, especially with women who already are high achievers that just comes really naturally to them. So that’s something I think that was really important, is having to really become an advocate for myself and not knowing what was going on, just knowing something wasn’t right and really pushing until I was able to get those assessments done.

So I imagine there’s a lot of other women out there that have been met with that and maybe accepted it didn’t get the services that they might’ve needed.

[00:11:00] Misty (2): that is good. So what about the woman who is listening to this? throughout our whole conversation, she’s working, managing the household, doing all the things, but she’s always wondering.

Why is everybody doing it so much better than me? What are signs that a woman might look for that might cause her to explore the possibility of a DHD more?

[00:11:35] Cassy Miller: Yeah, I think that’s a fantastic question. And I think with women in general, you know, there’s often striving and comparison happening and am I enough?

But you add a DHD into the mix and it can be just at this really heightened level because you are battling with this, striving and not achieving what you’re trying to, reach. And so it can [00:12:00] often look like overcommitment, and I don’t mean overcommitment, like I have a little bit of a difficult time saying yes.

It’s saying yes to all the things, knowing , it’s gonna lead to, complete overwhelm.

It can show up as perfectionism. that leads to mental exhaustion It could be struggling with motivation and task management, constantly missing deadlines or being late often.

 a lot of people call time blindness underestimating how long something might take. those could be a DHD symptoms. That’s not always the case, but either way, women with a DHD often miss these signs and they can be really hard on themselves for not being, better

And there’s a lot of self blame and shame that goes into that.

[00:12:45] Misty (2): Yeah. So I have a daughter who at 36 was diagnosed with a DHD

As an adult. we’ve had a lot of different discussions because when she was young, I homeschooled her.

And I, Cassie, I would always say if she were in the public schools, she would be labeled with a DHD.

 so it wasn’t. A surprise to me. But what I’ve discovered in the journey is, she is me. I remember as a young mom feeling like a absolute failure.

Mm. Because I could not finish anything.

I would paint half of a wall and then be onto to the next.

The idea of like I am failing at everything because I can’t finish anything. How do you help a woman navigate through the shame that is associated with feeling like she can’t function, she can’t finish anything?

[00:13:53] Cassy Miller: it’s gonna sound so simplistic, but it’s not necessarily, and that is working with women to learn how to give themselves a little bit of grace, and we do that through mindfulness activities.

We do that through learning different resources and tools that they have available to them, but. At least in my own experience, it was, I had to understand what those tools were, how they worked, what the resources were, learn mindfulness

Now I feel like I’m better resourced so I can do things differently. I can show up a little bit differently, but there’s still times, there’s still times now that I have to remind myself, That my, brain, my body, everything is working in overdrive to just meet the standard, if you will.

And that I am gonna give myself permission to, have that grace. also, I think, is so important to advocate for yourself and educate the people around you. And it’s a little bit challenging because the education piece falls to the person that has a DHD.

It can feel sometimes a little bit frustrating and unfair. So one of , the things that I have done is said, Hey, I need you to better understand what’s going on. Here are some potential ways that you can find this information. I’m just giving them external resources so they can go and educate themselves. And I think that’s so important to build a really strong support system around you and that’ll make all the world of difference.

[00:15:37] Misty (2): I think that is so good right there, what you’re saying that support system.

 you said something that I wanna go back to. You talked about, and I don’t remember the exact words, You talked about your internal systems are always like going at a different. Pace or different level [00:16:00] than what is normal.

Can you talk a little bit more about that? can help us understand what is going on inside the A DHD brain and body?

[00:16:10] Cassy Miller: Yeah. Without getting too scientific, some of the things that I have understood is that our neurological system is set up differently and in order to obtain more dopamine because we are not getting the same level of dopamine.

So there’s a lot of, chasing and that might be, what you were talking about with starting a project. It’s maybe exciting at first and then getting distracted and moving to the next thing. it comes back to our executive functioning, right? So we have, challenges with executive functioning, and that’s around, your planning and your task management things like that becomes extra difficult.

I always say, it’s like you’re fighting against your brain. Like you have these external standards of I wanna be this, I wanna meet this expectation. I wanna show up this way. And your brain’s just not working with you to do that very easily. So you have to find ways to work around that.

And it’s not always solvable in my opinion. And that’s where that grace comes in. yeah, this is just me. This is how I work. and one of the things that kind of brings up is that constant. Effort to be everything to everyone. this shows up with moms so much.

 you’re doing all of the things all of the time, it slowly wears somebody down and can lead to burnout. And, like I said, while many moms that don’t have a DHD carry this load, I think it’s even more so with A DHD because you’re pushing against yourself, to keep up while trying to function in this world that’s not designed for the way that our brains work.

And so it, it’s this ongoing strain of managing these expectations and responsibilities that leaves you feeling really, depleted. Exhausted maybe feeling disconnected. trying to manage these day-to-day expectations

[00:18:08] Misty (2): when you say you’re having to work against the way your brain works, the way you’re wired to work and just the additional energy it takes. So what does it look like practically to not fight against our brain?

[00:18:30] Cassy Miller: It’s a really good question.

I think it’s really different for each individual, navigate. But I think We really need structure as much as we don’t like it.

And that has been one of the biggest game changers for me is without fail, I require myself to follow strict schedules structure. I try to build in habits But yeah, just really working within those structures makes a world of difference. we absolutely need to work with systems that, that work with us. And sometimes it’s not always what we imagined it would be. And that was something that, I really had to look at I enjoy things that are aesthetically pleasing. I like to have things put away.

And my dirty little secret is if you open the drawer, you’re gonna be you shocked mess in there. it looks really nice from the outside, sometimes it means you’re putting sticky notes on your bathroom mirror Sometimes it means carrying around different, alarm clocks it’s just finding these little tiny things that work for each individual.

[00:19:44] Misty (2): Yeah. I think one thing I’ve learned over the years is like what you’re saying, give myself grace to do what works for me.

 I like order, I like things put away, but let’s just talk about my desktop If I put [00:20:00] things away in folders in my desktop, I don’t remember where they are. so I just leave them on my desktop.

 or the tabs up across the top, I will have 30 tabs open. Yeah. Across the top.

[00:20:14] Cassy Miller: I always do,

[00:20:14] Misty (2): because if I close them, then I’ll forget, I love what you’re talking about, finding the system that works for you, and I’m gonna put a shameless plug for you in there.

I think that’s where sometimes a coach can help because you don’t know what you don’t know, and sometimes you’re trying. Something and where a coach can come in and say, let’s explore different modalities I think that would be beneficial working with someone. With your skillset.

[00:20:51] Cassy Miller: just to tag onto that, one of, I think the coolest ways to do coaching when you have a DHD is actually in group coaching and there’s a lot of reasons why, but primarily you’re building community, you’re, you’re getting the support that you need from multiple people.

You’re also learning all of these cool new tips and tricks from other people in the group. we do a little bit of, education around how to be a good coach so people can show up in a positive way for each other.

 while I think coaching period is beneficial, I really like group coaching for those reasons.

[00:21:27] Misty (2): Yeah. I love group coaching too. You were diagnosed, you were in your mid thirties. now you’re coaching others So there’s a journey that you went on of discovery, of self-awareness of self-acceptance. So what did that look like for you?

[00:21:46] Cassy Miller: That is such a fantastic question. And I think that so many people like me experienced, okay, you get a diagnosis and then that’s it.

 maybe you decide you wanna go on medication, maybe not. Then you’re just out there on your own, I was just out there like, okay, now what, what do I do with this? And so, me being me, I’m a lifelong learner. I just started researching and I started reading every book I could get my hands on and watching videos and even on social media.

 I also am surrounded in a lot of people that have a DHD, people I care about deeply and watching their struggles and, wanting to be able to help them and how, helping myself, helping them.

, And it’s kind of fascinating when I started coaching. I thought, , I’ll be an executive coach for nonprofit leaders, because that’s what I did. it wasn’t very long and I thought, This is not my passion. a, DHD is where I am called. it was such a clear message

And so naturally I wanted to learn even more, coaching is not showing. How to do or telling how to do, it’s being a thought partner and them being their own best expert. And , just really going along with them on their journey.

 primarily for me it was just getting a diagnosis I chose to medicate which did make a huge difference in my life. And then doing a ton of research about different ways, because medication alone is not gonna do it. You have to have behavioral change and you have to have a lot of support in order to make some of those behavioral changes.

[00:23:31] Misty (2): My daughter said she is so glad that when she was young she wasn’t diagnosed. .

[00:23:40] Cassy Miller: Interesting.

[00:23:41] Misty (2): Yeah. And she said because. I feel like I’ve learned to function and I haven’t used a DHD as an excuse. She’s a very high achiever.

[00:23:54] Cassy Miller: Yeah.

[00:23:56] Misty (2): now she says, I’ve learned how to [00:24:00] live well with a DH adhd. She says, if I have a major project, sometimes I will take medication then just so I can focus. But so anyway, tell me your thoughts about all of that.

[00:24:16] Cassy Miller: That’s incredible. I love hearing that story.

I think it’s it really speaks to the type of person that she is and really wanting to, one, just take responsibility for her own journey. I suppose that was sort of my journey. I wasn’t diagnosed as a child. And I was a high achiever in school and all the way through.

And of course we know A DHD shows up much differently in girls and women than it does in boys. girls, in childhood are often not diagnosed because it doesn’t show up as that hyperactive, kind of behavior.

[00:24:53] Misty (2): You hit on the difference between boys and girls .

And how a DHD might show up for girls or women. It’s not the hyperactive, I can’t sit still, I’m bouncing off the walls necessarily, so

Help us understand that for a minute.

[00:25:10] Cassy Miller: I, as I say that, I think about, , I have a family member who had a very different experience than I did as a child.

They were very hyperactive and, literally, , just about bouncing off of walls and things like that. A girl. I did not have that presentation. I think I’m probably like more women than not on girls that showed up maybe as inattentive difficulty with the focus maybe starting projects and not being able to finish ’em, maybe not being able to get started.

It could be things like that. But there was so much going in on in their minds. It wasn’t like, , I just don’t think that I want to do this. It was, a million things swimming around in their head. Trying to get that zoned in just to get started on that project. Could come across too as being really shy.

Not feeling really sure of yourself dealing with some confidence issues. And as we get older, we start getting into, imposter syndrome like you wouldn’t believe, and I know a lot of women, especially high achieving women, deal with that.

[00:26:18] Misty (2): How important is it to have a medical diagnosis?

[00:26:22] Cassy Miller: That , really depends on the person. So for me, I really am glad that I did that because it did give me an explanation as to why I was feeling and showing up the way I was. Although it was very emotional and it was emotional because I had been really successful and struggled in a way that nobody could see.

. So people were like, oh, you just seem to really have it together. While I had loved ones that struggled in, in a very different way with A DHD. So I actually had guilt when I got diagnosed. Like, why is it that I have this diagnosis, but I was able to do these things and somebody I care about has the same diagnosis and was not able to accomplish that.

And, it’s interesting. It could be environmental, with the supports , that are in play, I think come in, it has a huge factor. But, in terms of deciding if you want to get diagnosed, I suppose that’s, do you wanna pursue medication options? Do you just want to know?

Or is it, I may have it, and I’m comfortable with just finding resources and tools to navigate. It’s really, it’s so individualized And I would just say I would support somebody in whatever decision they made. Just do what’s best for you.

[00:27:50] Misty (2): What does self-diagnosis look like and how would one determine. Self-diagnosis.

[00:27:57] Cassy Miller: Yeah, there’s a whole bunch of unreliable [00:28:00] online assessments.

[00:28:01] Misty (2): Okay.

[00:28:04] Cassy Miller: I actually, , what I would say is that if you feel like you have all of these tendencies that look like a DHD, but you have zero interest in pursuing a diagnosis. That’s okay too. Just make sure you’re taking good care of yourself and that you’re looking for resources and tools to support.

And one of the things that I am, learning more about is around talking about what we eat and our rest, our movement and how that comes into play with A DHD. It’s huge. when they talk about your stomach being your other brain,, there’s no joke with that. this gut brain connection and what we’re putting in our bodies , and how that impacts.

How we’re showing up. It’s incredible. It’s just fascinating.

[00:28:54] Misty (2): my sweet husband, he’s trying to understand me. We’ve only been married not quite six years, and he’s just , I just don’t. Get you.

 so we’ve been looking at the possibility of this together, some of my natural tendencies of the way I think and operate and do things.

And the time blindness, it’s huge hyperfocus.

[00:29:22] Cassy Miller: a lot of people call that our superpower. I don’t know that I necessarily agree with that. , There’s some.

Cool benefits to hyperfocus, but at the same time, I heard it put so well by this gentleman not that long ago, and I can’t remember exactly what he said, but he basically was like forced focus against your will, you can’t just pop out of it.

. You’re not in control. And so I can’t remember how he worded it, but it was, he said it so beautifully. I love that your husband is reading books and wanting to show up for you in the best way possible. That’s amazing. That’s a great partner. I love hearing that.

[00:29:57] Misty (2): Yeah. Like you’re talking about the hyper vocus and I’m like, I hear you back here.

[00:30:02] Cassy Miller: Yeah.

[00:30:02] Misty (2): I hear that you’re. , You’re asking me something or you’re talking to me, but I can’t, I’m doing something.

[00:30:09] Cassy Miller: Yeah. Just can’t break it. , Yeah,

[00:30:10] Misty (2): tell us how to connect with you and future workshops that you’re going to have.

[00:30:19] Cassy Miller: with the workshops I repeat those same workshops.

Throughout the year. I’m also working on a workshop I do have a couple different cohorts for group coaching coming up.

[00:30:29] Misty (2): So where do we find you online

[00:30:32] Cassy Miller: my website is a great place to start.

So that’s Soul Spark Coaching and Consulting. And I’m on Facebook as well. And all the social media. Okay. But I think I’m most active probably on, on Facebook.

[00:30:47] Misty (2): Okay. And as all my listeners know, I’ll put the links to all your contact info in the show notes.

So they’ll have access to that.

[00:30:57] Cassy Miller: I think the most important thing is around, , a woman giving herself some grace and then having a few of those resources.

It could be something as simple as doing some breathing exercises, prayer things like that’ll help get them regulated again, or grounded, I guess is a better term. treating yourself with kindness has gotta be a non-negotiable and it’s so hard to do.

It sounds so simple, but it’s so hard to do.

[00:31:24] Misty (2): The support is so important. Remember as a mom,

I had a friend and we got together once a week and pray, and when I would be in that crash, I’m a failure. I’m doing everything wrong. She would so faithfully list all of the things for me, Misty, you’re doing this, you’re doing this, you’re doing this, you’re doing this oh, okay. I have a lot going on. so that support, that you’ve mentioned the group coaching, [00:32:00] finding that support network is so imperative. Anytime we go on a healing journey and we go on that journey to understand ourselves better and to be better.

So I love that you’re offering that, that there’s hope in that we’re not alone. We have you and other people.

And what did you call yourself?

[00:32:25] Cassy Miller: a resource navigator.

[00:32:28] Misty (2): Yeah. That’s great. That’s a great title. So the resources are there, and sometimes it is overwhelming to even know where to begin. Yes. But Cassie is a resource navigator, and she can help you find the resources that are important for you to have in this season of life.

, Cassie, thanks so much. This is so close to home for me what you’re doing and the support you’re giving and the wisdom that you speak with. So thank you for taking

[00:32:57] Cassy Miller: the time. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Thank you for having me.

Beloved, if there is one thing. I want you to carry away from today’s conversation. It’s this, you are not failing. You are awesome. Your brain may simply be wired in a way that has never been explained to you, and understanding that is not making. An excuse. It’s extending to yourself the same grace that you would give to anyone you love.

If today’s conversation moves something in you, here are three ways that you can respond. First, share this episode with a friend. It can be a friend that you want to invite into your journey to help them understand more about the fearful and wonderful way that you are wired. Or it might be someone that needs to hear it.

You know that mom that is always apologizing for being late, the one who starts everything and seems to finish nothing. Or the one who is convinced that everyone else has it together, but her. send this her way. This might just change her life. Second, if this podcast has been a place of encouragement for you, would you take just two minutes and leave a review?

Reviews, help other kingdom minded moms find this space and every single review it matters. And last, if you are ready. To stop waiting and start becoming more of the authentic you that God created you to be. Join the wait list for the Becoming 12 week cohort at

[00:34:44] Misty (2): Mom to Mom mentoring.com/rhythm.

We would love to have you with us.

Mama, I want you to hear this before you go. There has never been a version of you that God did not see Every late start, every unfinished project, every moment that you sat quietly in the back of the room wondering why everyone else seemed to be doing life so much better.

 He saw all of it. He was not frustrated. He has never been disappointed. He made you on purpose and for a purpose, and the journey towards understanding that is not weakness. It is worship. Give yourself permission to be curious about who you are. Get the resources, find the support, build the team around you and above all, treat yourself.

With kindness, as Cassie said today, it sounds so simple, but it is revolutionary. Here’s another way to put it. You [00:36:00] are here to be light, bringing out the God colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this as public as a city on a hill. He says, if I make you a light bearer, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you?

I’m putting you on a light stand now that I’ve put you there. Shine. Keep an open house. Be generous with your lives by opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God. This generous father in heaven. Beloved, when you shine, you give others permission to shine too. Next week. I am so excited to be sitting down with Dr.

Charity Campbell Capella. I can’t wait for you to meet her. We’re diving into. How to parent goats. You heard me goats. Greatest of all time. You will not want to miss this episode. Come back for that conversation. I’m Misty Hughes. You’ve been listening To Mom To Mom mentoring. Now Go Shine.

LINKS from the episode

🎙️ Guest: Cassy Miller — Founder, SoulSpark Coaching and Consulting:
🔗 Find Cassy: SoulSpark Coaching and Consulting on Facebook and online
www.soulsparkconsulting.com 

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