What Control Is Really Costing You with Dr. Laura Le

Misty: Here’s something that stopped showing up as a footnote and started showing up as an epidemic. In the last several years, mothers have reported nearly a two-thirds increase in what researchers call fair to poor mental health. Nearly two-thirds. And right now, roughly one in five moms have a diagnosable anxiety condition.

I’m not talking about a bad day or a difficult season. I’m talking about a diagnosis. when I hear numbers like that. I realize So much of the weight isn’t actually about what is happening to us. It is about what we’re trying to hold together. The schedules, the outcomes, the way our kids turn out, the way our homes run, the way everyone else’s day goes.

We call it being responsible. God calls it exhausting because, beloved, it was never yours to carry in the first place. You see, trying to control everything or hold on forces your nervous system into a chronic fight or flight loop. Biologically, your brain remains hypervigilant. You’re trying to protect your children and watch over everything and guard over even the way you show up, which traps your body in stress.

Over time, this constant bracing leads to systematic physical, emotional, and mental consequences. Here’s a few things that are going on in our body when we remain in this hypervigilant state of being. First, the body response. Our muscles subconsciously tighten for perceived threats. The result? Chronic jaw clenching, tension headaches, migraines, severe pain in the shoulder, necks, and upper back.

Oh, your massage therapist loves it, I’m sure. There’s also the hormonal and cardiovascular strain. the brain repeatedly is signaling the body to release hormones, adrenaline, cortisol, a racing heart, elevated blood pressure, a weakened immune system. And it can also cause a state of constant physical depletion that sleep alone cannot fix.

I’m sure you’ve heard of adrenal fatigue. adrenal fatigue is a result of our body staying in that hypervigilant, guarded place. We have digestive disruption. The body diverts energy away from the digestive system to focus on the immediate threats or the perceived immediate threats.

The results can be indigestion, bloating, nausea, fluctuations in appetite, and dare I say, even autoimmune disease. Our nervous system is overloaded by running on our constant mental checklist and anticipating all the problems. Our brain is overstimulated and fails to find true peace, true safety the result, sensations of touch out, where the physical act of hugging or soothing a child can cause emotional irritation [00:04:00] and the urge to even recoil, as well as emotional withdrawal and sudden snapping. on today’s re-release of Mom to Mom Mentoring top episode number four, we’re gonna hear from Dr.

Laura Lee, who specializes in treating, educating, and actually loving on moms who are dealing with all of these levels of stress

 Hey friend, welcome back to Mom to Mom Mentoring. Oh, if this is your first time with us, I am so glad you found your way here today. And if you’ve been with us for a while, thank you. Truly. Pull up your chair, Grab whatever’s in your cup this morning, and let’s do this together. Mom to Mom Mentoring is a weekly podcast that offers soul-nourishing wisdom for Christian moms like you, who long to live in more than just survival mode, moms who are ready for peace, presence, and purpose right in the middle of everything that life is demanding from them.

[00:05:18] Misty: Because, beloved, mentoring matters. None of us were built to figure this out alone, and every single week, my prayer is that you leave this space feeling a little less white-knuckled and a little more held. I’m Misty Hughes. I’m an ICF-certified coach, an international ministry leader, and the creator of the Rhythm of Life framework.

But before any of that, I’m a mom who has done my own share of gripping tight, white-knuckling my way through, and trying to maintain control because I thought that’s what brought me peace. I’ve spent over 25 years walking alongside of women, helping them move out of overwhelm and into sustainable rhythms that actually help them feel like they belong to God instead of enslaved to a to-do list.

Now, before we get into today’s conversation, two quick invitations. First, if you haven’t grabbed my free Rhythms of Renewal mini guide, it’s a beautiful starting place for anyone who feels like your life is running them instead of the other way around. And second, I would like to invite you to come find us on the Christian Moms in Business and Ministry Facebook group.

It is where a lot of the conversations that we have on Mom to Mom Mentoring keep going. So now, about my guest today. Her name is Dr. Laura Lee. She’s a chiropractor with over 23 years of walking alongside moms through prenatal and pediatric care. She’s the author of Postpartum Reimagined, and the host of her own podcast, You Are the Mom.

And here is one thing I love about Dr. Laura Lee’s story. She just recently sent her own daughter off to college, and out of her own letting go season, she wrote something beautiful called Words From Home for Your College-Bound Teen. You can find all these things that Dr. Laura Lee does and provides on her website, which I will for sure leave her link in the show notes.

Now, this woman, my guest, she doesn’t just teach on letting go. She has actually lived [00:08:00] it in real time with her own children and her own heart. So if your hands are tired, if you have been white-knuckling your way through this season of motherhood, gripping so tight you don’t even remember what it feels like to open them, I wanna invite you to a few things with me right now.

Number one: Beloved, take a deep breath. Honestly, that is one of the kindest things that you can give yourself. when I was a young mom, there was no one telling me to breathe. So I want you to let yourself breathe just for a moment. Let yourself be held. You can pick all the things back up after our episode.

Even as I invite you into this, tears come into my own eyes because I need to do a little letting go myself. The next thing I’d like to invite you to do is just open your hands. Imagine all the things that you are carrying, holding. Now, as you open your hands, they’re just floating away It’s okay. You can let it go.

Breathe deep as they float from your hands. Now, with open hands, prepare to receive. God has so much goodness to give you, and some of that may actually come about through our conversation with Dr. Laura Lee So let’s just sit with our open hands, our deep breathing, lean in and listen to the re-release of one of the top episodes of Mom to Mom Mentoring

[00:10:17] Misty: You are not just a doctor.  You’re a mom and so much more. you focus on, postpartum and pediatric wellness. So what lit this spark in you? For your niche and for, just how you show up to your patients.

[00:10:36] Dr. Laura Le: So when we had our daughter, I went back into practice

But then we had our son and. I really actually decided that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. And I really didn’t wanna practice anymore

But I kept getting pulled back into practice for one reason or another.

 My son, he had a bunch of health issues. He didn’t sleep. He had food allergies, he had eczema. He had terrible colic. He had reflux. And so being back in practice and having to navigate that was very stressful. It was stressful. As a mom, as a healthcare provider. it all was stressful on our marriage. But when I really surrendered to being back in practice, I just remember thinking,

I’m not gonna pretend that life is perfect. I’m not gonna pretend that. You follow this perfect recipe formula and everything’s gonna be okay. I’m just gonna be real because my life wasn’t like that. and what I realized is that moms need support too.

So through my own journey. I just evolved and I grew and I realized that practice was so much better and so much more fun and meaningful when it wasn’t all. Perfect. I was just going to [00:12:00] meet people where they were at, help them on their journey, give them information, education and empowerment.

So I just surrendered to it,

[00:12:08] Misty: you had to learn to lean into what God was doing.

It was obvious he was ordering your steps. You had your plan. Your plan was to Yes. Home with your children And so as a mom who desires that?

[00:12:27] Misty: And it’s obvious that that’s not happening. what were the big wrestles of your heart?

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. There were so

[00:12:34] Dr. Laura Le: many. There were so many Because I felt like. Being a stay at home mom was what I was supposed to be doing, so I was really confused why God wasn’t honoring that because that’s what I felt was placed on my heart, then why was there just such this wrestle, I think we sometimes compare ourselves to others and that comparison can be a slippery slope,

[00:13:02] Misty: that confusion and the conflict that you, and I’m sure a lot of moms who, Are working, Gainfully employed outside of the home. so there’s that. That struggle, like you said, the grass is greener over there. I should be over there. Maybe I wanna be over there.

But then there’s also, the mom who’s trying to build a business, why isn’t God blessing this? I’m wanting to do this. I’m wanting to do this the kingdom way and why isn’t God blessing it? So, so we all have these spaces or pockets that we are wondering why, Lord,

[00:13:35] Dr. Laura Le: for so many years, I was not content. Like I, I felt like there were so many years where all it was was a continuous wrestle, even if it was just in my own emotional state and my relationship with God. when you’re at work and you’re running your own business, not only are you trying to produce an income, Being a good steward of that and you have employees, and so that you’re working enough for it to make a difference, but that you’re home enough for it to make a difference too. and then comparing yourself to others it’s all work and it’s all that mental load of motherhood You can easily feel defeated just the emotional baggage that we carry that is attached to all those emotions Is this what you’re supposed to be doing?

[00:14:20] Misty: It’s a lot. And then some feel guilty because I am not enjoying my kids and others are, I feel guilty because I’m not home with my kids to enjoy them.

And then when I’m with them always busy and yada yada yada. So it it like all over the spectrum of motherhood all over there are these. Things that are screaming at us that it is not enough. we’re not doing it right. We Should be doing it this way or that way. and guilt can really become crippling.

 was that part of your journey? did you struggle with. Guilt

[00:14:56] Dr. Laura Le: For sure. Yeah. a lot of guilt. And that feeling of not being enough. And then how does it affect your relationship, not just with other people, but your own relationship with God? Because for a long time, I based everything off of a checklist,

If I was checking all the boxes, then I must be doing a good job. But there wasn’t a lot of fulfillment there. So then you feel guilty about that?

[00:15:21] Misty: how did you recognize, oh, that’s guilt and when did you recognize that that was an issue?

[00:15:31] Dr. Laura Le: I have an amazing friend in my life who was really mentoring me spiritually to help me realize that my relationship with God and my standing with God wasn’t based on. How good I was doing air quotes and if I was getting my checklist done or not. If I was meeting all this, what I would’ve considered like [00:16:00] criteria for being a good mom, a good person, a good Christian, and just really working on my personal relationship with God, which.

I would say was really pivotal for me. And that I was missing things that God was showing me because I was too distracted, making sure that I was being a good person, a good mom, a good, business owner, a good chiropractor. So I think when I started to let.

Those silent checklists fall off of my mind, heart, and emotional state is when I was able to stop feeling so guilty about everything. Because I was just feeling guilty about all of it.

And realizing that I was just enough the way I was,

 I think that was a really big, pivotal time, is having somebody who really mentored me. And helping me understand what God talks about in the Bible.

[00:17:05] Misty: What did that mentorship. look like, like were you guys studying the word together? What was going on?

[00:17:14] Dr. Laura Le: Yeah. I think she really recognized that I was struggling and that I was really wrestling with all these things and just had really decreased contentment.

And instead of that decreased contentment. Being negative, it was that God was actually trying to utilize that to be in richer relationship with him. Mm. So to understand what his word was really saying, not like how much of the Bible did you read or how many Bible verses do you have memorized? But are you really marinating in what.

That is saying to you, and what is God trying to say to you in that? it was a different perspective because I had, I had grown up a Christian, I went to Christian grade school, high school.

 my mom had always encouraged me, like. To confess to God the way that you’re feeling about things and invite him into those spaces. But I don’t think until you are in more challenging times in an adult situation with being a mom being in a marriage that sometimes you, you don’t know what that means or how to utilize that,

You need that continued mentorship. And I was so happy to have it because I didn’t know that I needed it. It wasn’t like I asked my friend, Hey, can you mentor me? I’m really struggling, I was just fortunate enough to have her in my life where she posed questions like, what if checking off all the boxes on the checklist doesn’t mean that you’re in better relationship with God?

And I was like. I don’t even know what you just said. I don’t know,

and I would really have to think about it. so then that I think led me to a series of just unraveling and unpacking a lot of my own.

Deep wounds or things that I didn’t even know were a challenge to me. Just the way that I was thinking about things,

 I think a lot of my early years as a mom, I just, I connected doing a good job with getting everything done.

 there wasn’t a lot of me emotionally available.

[00:19:38] Misty: So then I felt guilty about

[00:19:39] Dr. Laura Le: that.

[00:19:40] Misty: So I love the way that you’ve just unpacked how you were mentored in that season. Because it could have become another check the box. Okay. Did you read your Bible today? Did you Yes. You know, pray today? What did you pray today?

[00:19:56] Dr. Laura Le: I don’t have it all figured out and I don’t show up great all the time. [00:20:00] But I think just being able to. Understand that guilt comes from control.

We wanna control a situation, we wanna control a narrative. When we can’t get it to match what we think it should, we feel guilty because we’re out of control, right?

Why don’t we just let go of some of the control and ask, God, what are you asking of me right now? Or what are you trying to invite into my life by these things not working out or by this path, not. Going in that direction. I think that it would be really powerful if we can let go of some of that control and some of that guilt would fall off because maybe God is directing our steps and if we just weren’t so resistant. Maybe he’s got something better for us that than what we could have imagined.

[00:20:51] Misty: there’s so much wisdom in all that you said, if you were that mentor to another mom that was where you were, what would you. ask her to help get the wheels going what would be a question that a mom could start to ponder?

[00:21:09] Dr. Laura Le: Yeah. I think I would ask, what is your internal dialogue What are the things that are on replay in your mind? Is it. I don’t have time to get enough done, is it? I am, not present with my family. Is it? I’m not good enough. what are the tapes that are on constant replay quietly in your mind?

 Because they’re usually not that great.

[00:21:35] Misty: so we’ve done that.

So let’s talk a little bit then about where we might go from there. That’s really. Revelatory, when we’ve discovered that,

Like

[00:21:47] Dr. Laura Le: what do we do with that?

 Well, I would say, let’s start with confessing it to God. Hmm. Like, let’s start, I mean, it’s not a surprise to him. He know what’s, he knows what we’re thinking. He knows what our thoughts are, but why don’t we lay it before him and ask for healing of those thoughts, because they’re probably,

Something from our past or our childhood where we didn’t feel like we were enough or we felt like something was supposed to be different than it is. But why don’t we just lay that before him and ask him, can you step into this space where I’m feeling this way and this way and this is how I’m talking to myself, and I would never talk to a person I care about like that.

So I invite you into this space and ask me and ask for healing I think that would be the first place I would encourage is just like, let’s confess it.

let’s just.

[00:22:45] Misty: Get it

it, bring it into the light. Yes. Right. Instead of keeping it all inside of there in our own head.

That’s so good. Mm-hmm. So, so biblical, right? Gosh. Well, because

[00:23:02] Dr. Laura Le: also I think too, like as a Christian, we can do all the things like, okay, let’s take this negative thought. Now how do we make it a positive? But the thing is, is that at the root core of it, it will go so much faster and we can have supernatural speed if we invite God into these situations, and we will get really good at it at recognizing that, oh, I’m trying to be in the driver’s seat now.

Okay. And I’m not letting God direct or I’m trying to take over. And then also with our thoughts, like, that’s not a kind, thought to myself, that’s not how God thinks of me. That’s not what God says about me. So let’s invite him in and let’s rewrite the narrative for ourselves.

[00:23:53] Misty: Yeah. ’cause I’m thinking even about that scripture that says, take every thought captive.

 we go into works. We, we [00:24:00] start to say, oh, I gotta do this. I gotta take that thought. and we’re grabbing at all these thoughts all the time. When you’re just saying, just simply confess that we’re struggling here. Jesus. Yes. And can you please help me? I don’t even know where to begin,

[00:24:18] Dr. Laura Le: I tell my patients, especially the ones that come in and they’re in a crisis, maybe they’re in a pain crisis, something’s going on, but it’s big, right?

Like they can’t move, they can’t get outta bed, they can’t function like they’re in dire straits. And I do say this probably. Has been going on for a long time, but it was probably coming to you in whispers, Maybe you had a little tweak here, but it got better and then all of a sudden.

Unbeknownst to you, it escalates into this full, it shuts you down. But I think if we reflect back, we could probably see how there were signs and symptoms of this. You just didn’t know this was gonna happen like this. And I think that God works like that too. Like he’ll give us a whisper. He’ll give us a prompt, but usually we’re probably too busy to notice and everything’s a checklist, Okay. I did this. I’m doing this. okay, I’m gonna be okay. and it’s not sometimes until we literally hit a concrete wall. That were like so beat down or worn down or emotionally spent, that we can truly say, okay, I know what it means to surrender.

Because I do remember my friend saying to me, why don’t you just ask God into this situation? And I, I was like, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean ask him in? He’s already here. She’s like, yes, but like you said, invite him. Confess it to him and I was like, oh, okay. it’s so powerful, but it seems too simple.

[00:25:58] Misty: there have been times in my own parenting journey that I’ve been like, Lord, I don’t, I don’t even know what to ask anymore. So can you. Tell me what I need to ask.

 so he does that. We can just invite him even into those. For me to ask. it’s just that continual asking and, the confessing because the reality is you probably. go through the practice, you confess it, and then tomorrow is a new day. And oops, out comes the list again.

Right? Yes. Yes. we didn’t climb over that mountain in Yes. That five minute prayer with the Lord,

[00:26:37] Dr. Laura Le: So I remember. Going through my Bible and write cue cards of like, God, I’m feeling anxious over this. Can you step into this anxiety for me? I don’t know where this anxiety is coming from, I know a lot of moms feel a lot of anxiety in motherhood. Our, our whole brain rewires during motherhood hormones, rewire.

We have synaptic pruning. That makes us even more on the alert for danger to keep our children safe. But the challenge is, is that it escalates to this anxiety and then this guilt that we don’t have all the answers or, oh my goodness, we let our child watch this show. there’s so much noise as to like, do it this way and don’t let your children do this.

But just keep that dialogue open with God all day long. He is with you all day and you say, God, I’m struggling, or, whoops, I feel like I’m, I’m trying to take back, or these patterns are such, has such a stronghold on me.

 I wanna live in this piece that I am good enough and I am what my children need, and you are gonna provide for me and you are gonna show up for me.

 if we start. [00:28:00] Reprogramming ourselves and retraining ourselves from the old patterns to the new patterns.

And sometimes you have to create literally cue cards. I used to have cue cards in my card. God, Show me what this means. Or God let me know how much you love me. Like my friend would write down these things for me and I would look at them because I had to learn a new language. Ugh.

[00:28:27] Misty: Gosh, I love that.

That is so good. And here’s something else I’m thinking about, we all have the same amount of time in each day. like this is work that you’re talking about. being with somebody, choosing to give yourself to the time to use the cue cards.

 to, look at your Bible and think about what is it. Saying to be in the group Yes. That provides mentorship. That that all takes time. Yes. And I often hear, I don’t have the time for that. Yes. how do you respond to that for a mom who is dealing with high anxiety

[00:29:07] Dr. Laura Le: you just have to start somewhere. We, you are right. We all have the same hours in a day and there are pockets of time that we get to choose how we fill it, and sometimes we have to clear out two minutes. Two minutes to read a cue card of a new language that’s gonna help your relationship with God and bring you to a place of freedom and peace.

[00:29:30] Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. You can

[00:29:31] Dr. Laura Le: find two minutes.

 I used to get into carpool Just so I could sit in quiet, because that was where nobody could touch me. I could put my phone on do not disturb nobody. The dogs weren’t gonna be barking at my house. the kids weren’t in the car yet. So before I transitioned from work to picking up my kids, I used to just get in carpool early and just be.

And there was just some key phrases, like, there’s no comparison in God’s kingdom. Another one was, there’s no competition. This is not a competition with, you know, which mom is the best mom, but I felt like I would compare myself and compete because I, I needed to do everything and be everything to everybody.

And that was my own insecurities and my own control issues, So I would just say start somewhere.

[00:30:27] Misty: for me, I was just so desperate. Yes. To like not operate in the same operating system. It was just because it wasn’t doing anything for me. And. So making the time was a no brainer for me. Yes. It was like, it was like I’d hit that concrete wall

Numerous times, And and so just choosing to begin that journey of Making that time. And like you said, it, it starts with two minutes,

[00:31:01] Dr. Laura Le: the thing is, is that your relationship with God, you can just start somewhere.

 it doesn’t have to be in this perfect chair in the corner, quiet with a cup of tea. It could just maybe be in the carpool line. Yeah. For two minutes

[00:31:17] Misty: and he’s so excited When you take that one minute or that two minutes? When you just begin to turn your heart towards him. Just a fraction. He’s there. Yes. He’s waiting. I do feel like you know what was poured into you all those years ago

That you’ve just been able to pour back out to. Everyone who will hear this podcast For the years to come even. And so thank you for sitting with us today. And sharing from this deep, deep place of wisdom that you have cultivated and journey with the Lord.

[00:31:55] Dr. Laura Le: oh yes. So good. Well, thank you for the opportunity.

I just don’t [00:32:00] want another mom to have to suffer. And to feel that isolation and you know, it, it really can just start with just a simple minute or two and just a little bit of awareness.

[00:32:14] Misty: but you’ve got the book.

 You’ve got your podcast. Yes. Now you’ve got a new book. So how do we find you, Dr. Laura?

[00:32:22] Dr. Laura Le: Well, if you go to dr laura lee.com you’ll find a lot of my resources there. But really the best way is on Instagram Just find me on Instagram and you’ll be able to keep up with all the amazing things that we’re trying to do to just help others. live rich in relationship with God and their families and their children.

[00:32:43] Misty: Lee is just LE. Correct. Just one E? This has been like this extended prayer time Time with with you has been so rich.

Okay, before we go our own separate ways today, before you pick all those things back up that have floated away, I want to leave you with this. Control feels like safety, but it isn’t. It’s exhaustion wearing safety clothes. and surrender isn’t giving up on your kids, your home, your future, your life.

It’s finally giving up the exhausting job of pretending you were ever meant to hold it all by yourself. If something in this conversation named a place where you’ve been gripping too tight, I want you to do one thing this week. Go grab the Rhythms of Renewal mini guide and bring your journey to our Facebook group, Christian Moms in Business and Ministry.

Tell us what you’re loosening your grip on. I promise you, you are not the only one holding on tight. Mama, your hands were not made to hold the whole world.

They were made to hold your people, to hold that cup of coffee gone cold because you were so busy loving somebody, loving your people, to open up and set it down. Keep your palms open toward the one who is never, ever gonna ask you to carry this alone. Whatever you’ve been gripping today, I pray that you feel permission to loosen your fingers just a little Here’s another way to put it.

Beloved, you are here to be light, to bring out the God colors in the world. God is not a secret to be hidden. He has made you a light bearer, and He is not going to hide you under a bucket. He’s gonna put you on a light stand, on a hilltop, so that you can truly show up in the way He’s created you to shine.

Letting go of control does not dim your light. It is actually what lets your light shine, because a hand that is open carries a lamp a whole lot better than a clenched fist ever could. Now, one more thing before I go. I’ve been listening close to what has actually been meeting you in your place this season,

Your comments, your messages, the episodes that you keep coming back to, and it’s shaping something new that’s coming on this podcast. I can’t wait to bring it to you. So be sure to hit the subscribe button, because in just a few weeks you are in for a sweet surprise. and next week I’ll be sharing more of the re-releases of Mom to Mom Mentoring.

Hey [00:36:00] there, I am Misty Hughes. This is Mom to Mom Mentoring. Now, go shine.

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