The Phrase That Changes Every Hard Conversation with Laura Camacho

Link to Spotify

Laura: You’re the heart of the house, the mom of the house, and you have so much control, more than you think, more in- con- influence- Mm-hmm … about how people feel.

[00:00:10] Misty: That was the voice of Laura Camacho and about your influence in your own home and why this episode is coming back to you

Over the next five weeks, we’re going to be sharing the remixes of the top five episodes of Mom to Mom Mentoring. We are past the 100 episode mark, and there are some key episodes that you’ve indicated are of most interest to you. And this conversation with Laura is just one of the top five. As you lean in and listen this week, you’ll understand.

And if you listened to my conversation with the beloved Mr. Craig Hughes last week on episode 111, you’ll understand why what Laura shares and what she does in the space of mentoring and coaching, it’s timeless

Now, some of you weren’t around Mom to Mom Mentoring when my conversation with Laura first aired. This is a remix of a two-part conversation, episodes 37 and 38, all on communication. Laura shares some of her best tools, tips, and tricks for us, the busy mom, to lean in and listen to, and to make small tweaks in the way we communicate so that we are developing these life-giving, abundant relational connections that we all are created and long for

 You might wanna grab a pad and paper because some of the things that she shares, they’re keepers, and they’re things that over time you might want to incorporate into your daily rhythms of conversation with the people that you have influence over

Hey there, beloved mom. I’m Misty Hughes, and this is Mom to Mom Mentoring. If this is your first time, hey, you have gathered in at an opportune time, as we are sharing some of our top episodes over the next five weeks. You’re gonna wanna be sure to hit your follow or subscribe button on your favorite podcast app so you don’t miss a beat.

I’m an ICF certified life coach.

I coach Christian women who are living in the space of overwhelm, feeling like they’re slaves to their to-do list, and want to move into a rhythm of life

that offers peace, clarity, and God-aligned purpose

I’m the founder of the Rhythm of Life framework. It is a faith-centered process that helps guide you into that rhythm of life that you can sustain and live, lead, and love From heart of abundance Mom-to-mom mentoring is all about helping you, the Christian mom, develop a rhythm of life so your life feels aligned, not exhausting

In the conversation today, You’re gonna hear more about developing communication patterns or rhythms. Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, you’re going to learn how to, prepare and present well with hard conversations, no matter if it’s your [00:04:00] boss or or your six-year-old child.

You’re gonna learn from Laura some tips and tricks on how to communicate with purpose, presence, and from a place of peace

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be sharing some of Mom to Mom Mentoring’s most loved episodes, and this is leading us into a transition that I can’t wait to share more about with you. Stay tuned. I think you’re gonna be excited about what is coming next here on Mom to Mom Mentoring

 so many moms are running on empty. There’s no margin in life so that they can actually enter into conversations and communicate the way they want to, with peace and clarity.

Now, if you’re that mom, and you feel like some of your conversations are more reactionary than relational, then I would like to invite you to download my free Rhythms of Life mini workbook. This workbook will help you, lean into some tools that will actually give you the breathing room and the capacity you need to begin to utilize these tools and tips and tricks that Laura’s going to be talking about.

You can download that at mistyhughes.com/resources. And if you are up for an ongoing real time conversation about the things that we talk about here on Mom to Mom Mentoring, please hop over to our Facebook group, Christian Women in Business and Ministry, for an ongoing conversation to share your questions, your concerns, and to glean from other mom mentors who are in that space or have been there and made it through, that can help y- guide you on your journey to become the woman that God created you to be.

Now, if you’re ready, grab your coffee, let’s get cozy, and listen in to what Laura Camachi has to share with us today

Laura I’m an extrovert. You’re an introvert.

[00:06:24] Laura: Right.

[00:06:25] Misty: Right? And I am a v- very much a verbal processor.

[00:06:30] Laura: Uh- Okay …

[00:06:31] Misty: I want to be heard. Now, I’m sure that’s the same for you, right?

Don’t you think we all have that innate desire to be heard?

[00:06:40] Laura: Right? And to be understood. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And, and that’s a, the great communication point. You know, if you’re handing out $100 bills or bringing people cake, any, the communication doesn’t really matter, right? ‘Cause it’s all butterflies and flowers and rainbows.

But when you have conflict, which is just part of life, and it’s good, ’cause we work out our differences. But one communication tip for those of you who may have a conflict in mind is- Start by articulating the other person’s point of view to their satisfaction. If you and I are having a fi- disagreement about something, I am most likely gonna think, “Ugh, it’s just that Misty doesn’t understand what I’m saying,” because if she understood, then of course she would agree with me, and you’re thinking the same thing.

So if I say, “Misty, let me make sure I understand. You’re saying this, this, and this. Am I right?” And then have to say it to where you’re like, “Yes, Laura, that’s exactly my point of view.” And then I can say, “Well, Misty, the thing is, because you haven’t studied communication as much as I have, you don’t know, you’re not aware of this other thing,” and that make that little distinction.

So persuasion is a, um, process and a continuum. Yeah. [00:08:00] So to move someone along, you want to express that you understand the other person’s point of view. So that’s a starting point for a, for a fruitful conversation about something you disagree with.

[00:08:13] Misty: That’s powerful, ’cause I’m just thinking about, like, communication with my husband or with my children.

It doesn’t really even matter if they’re six or 16.

[00:08:27] Laura: Right.

[00:08:28] Misty: Saying to a six-year-old, “Let me make sure Mommy understands what you’re so angry about.”

[00:08:35] Laura: Or, you know, six-year-old Misty, I un- so let me get this straight. So you want to have ice cream for breakfast instead of oatmeal, is that right? Well, the thing is, I would like ice cream too, but it’s not gonna end well.

I know. And, and I mean, it, there’s no panacea. There’s no magic, but it’s- Yeah … a lot of fine-tuning, a lot of tools such as, “Yes, let me make sure I understand or what you’re saying,” or, “What I’m taking away from this,” or, “What I hear you say is…” That is relationship building. Yeah. It’s building towards understanding, towards mutual understanding.

But you have to do this, like, before you get angry or defensive. Mm-hmm. You know, so I, I recommend to everybody listening, if you want to get better at communicating with anybody, that start by just inserting this phrase, “Oh, what I understand you’re saying is,” you know, blah, blah, blah. Just that alone is a relationship builder, a communication skill builder.

And it’ll make you win more arguments, so what, what’s not to love about that? What I understand that you’re saying is because everybody wants to feel that they are smart and capable and good, and usually when we have a disagreement, it’s because we think the other person doesn’t understand fully, and then they can interpret that as, “Laura thinks I’m dumb.”

Not good. It’s not gonna end well.

[00:10:03] Misty: Oh my gosh. That’s what he’d say all the time. I have this innate need, and I do believe that we all do, we just wanna be understood.

[00:10:17] Laura: Right.

[00:10:18] Misty: And I used to tell my supervisor all the time, “I just want you to hear my heart.” And he’s like, “I don’t have time to hear your heart.”

“Tell me the bullet points.” Right. That was a big learning process for me as a over-communicator. I took notes on that. What I understand that you’re saying-

[00:10:41] Laura: Exactly … is

[00:10:42] Misty: where to start.

[00:10:43] Laura: Exactly, and if you have a conversation where somebody says that to you, I promise you will feel like the balm of Gilead on your soul because it, it, it’s, we, it’s just like you have pointed out, we all have this innate desire to be understood.

We’re not gonna agree on everything, but if at least we can understand what we disagree about, it’s better than just shutting it down. That’s, that’s, uh- So if

[00:11:11] Misty: you can start with saying, “What I understand you’re saying-“

[00:11:16] Laura: Mm-hmm …

[00:11:16] Misty: that makes me feel respected, makes me-

[00:11:18] Laura: Right …

[00:11:19] Misty: valued.

[00:11:20] Laura: Right.

[00:11:21] Misty: Makes me feel heard, and, you know, that’s powerful.

[00:11:26] Laura: It,

[00:11:26] Misty: it is- And that’s so simple.

[00:11:28] Laura: It i- yeah, I know. That’s, that’s the thing with all my, all my tricks and tips and tools. They’re things that you’ve probably heard from your grandma, but, um- Uh-huh … they work, you know, they work- Yeah … and, and we just get distracted and we forget. I mean, I am a communication coach because I needed it.

Mm-hmm. I was the bad communicator. I was highly introverted. Yeah. A doer, not a chatterer. I saw that life is better when you communicate better. My mom always said, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” But saying what you mean and meaning what you say is not [00:12:00] sufficient for complex relationships or complex situations because we get our feelings hurt, and everybody does, and once you get in defensive mode, I mean, it’s game over.

[00:12:13] Misty: What’s another tip or trick that you have?

[00:12:16] Laura: One of my many weaknesses is flying off the handle when I get to the end of my rope. Which never ends well when I do that. You’re the heart of the house, the mom of the house, and you have so much control- More than you think, more in conf- influence about how people feel.

So I’m always looking for opportunities to build people up, but not in a fake way. But when you notice something about a person, like I notice when somebody has really good handwriting, which I think is extremely rare, I’ll be like, “Oh my goodness, you have such beautiful handwriting.” Looking for ways to build people up in a very sincere way, and it’s better if you can do so by commenting on things that are not obvious Like if I say, “Gosh, Missy, you have such pretty brown eyes.

Really dark, deep brown eyes. Those are so pretty,” I’m sure you’re like, “Thank you.” But if I say, “I’m so impressed by th- this podcast that you’ve put together to serve moms, who are, in my opinion, the most unappreciated group of people on the planet right now,” Mm. Then that resonates more. Building people up is part of your job as, as…

And that makes people more receptive to whatever else you have to tell them. So that’s one thing. And being proactive, I think, as moms we’re tend to be putting out fires all the time, but thinking about what are the character qualities I wanna focus on with my children this year, or how do I want the relationship with my husband to develop.

I know we don’t have lots of time to think about it, but you’re in the shower, you’re waiting for the rice to cook. You have moments to be more proactive in everything. I, that, that is something that I work with the, with the executives, ’cause you would think senior executives are the most proactive people, but they’re not.

If their career path has been putting out fires, putting out fires, putting out fires, they never develop that strategy. Because developing character in your children is a strategy. Guess what, h- how many kids learn to say thank you without any prompting?

[00:14:38] Misty: You talked about being proactive and those in between moments.

I would love to ask you, when you were raising three kids, when they were in your home, what was your vision? What were the qualities that you wanted to be proactive about for your kids?

[00:14:58] Laura: Well, uh, my vision has always been that I, I wanted them to live Christian values and to be a light in the world, to live out the gifts that God had given them, and to be contributors.

Had very lofty vision, but I was laser focused. God gave me three beautiful, super smart kids, and I’m like, “You have a purpose in this world, and my job is to help you prepare for that as much as possible.” That was job number one. How

[00:15:36] Misty: do you feel you taught them to be contributors?

[00:15:40] Laura: You know how when before you have kids, you think about things that you would never say to your kids, right?

[00:15:48] Misty: Yeah. So- Those things your mom said to you. Yes.

[00:15:52] Laura: That you would, you’re so enlightened, you would never say that. Well, one of my things in that category, I was always [00:16:00] like, “I’m not your maid. I’m not your friend. I’m not here to be your buddy.” I was just very clear that I was the mother, and that has authority, it has responsibility.

And it’s not that I didn’t care about their feelings, but I wasn’t driven by their feelings.

[00:16:17] Misty: Mm. That’s-

[00:16:18] Laura: And, um, I think we are all taught to empathize, but there’s a time and a place for empathy, but there’s also a time and a place for maternal authority. Ah. Like chores. Uh-huh. I think you have things that they had to do that were just not negotiable.

[00:16:34] Misty: That was, that was me. We had our chore charts. I had a reward system.

[00:16:38] Laura: Mm-hmm.

[00:16:39] Misty: And so if you want to play an hour, then you’re gonna do an hour of chores, right? Right, right,

[00:16:44] Laura: right.

[00:16:45] Misty: Or you’re gonna do an hour of reading the word or- Right … you know, something like that. If you want, they had so much time that they could do, but if they wanted more or something, they had to, they had to work for it.

Earn

[00:16:58] Laura: it, yeah. But we

[00:16:59] Misty: also, I mentioned I was a single mom, and I would, every week we’d have weekly meetings, and I would sit them down and I would say, “Okay, we’re a family, and because we’re a family, that means everybody contributes.”

[00:17:11] Laura: Right. “

[00:17:12] Misty: And if your chore doesn’t get done this week, then it, it affects us all.”

My kids, they were four years old putting clothes in the laundry machine. Right. I might separate them. They learned how to scrub the toilet, but everyone, I had two boys and two girls, my two daughter-in-laws have both said, “I’m so thankful that- My husband knows how to cook- Yes … and knows how to fold laundry- Yes

and knows how to clean the house, and all those things. Yeah. Good job. I might’ve been mean mom- Yeah … but they are thriving adults.

[00:17:52] Laura: Yes. I want to tell you quickly my favorite mean mom story-

[00:17:57] Misty: Oh, good …

[00:17:57] Laura: from when my daughters were in high school. And as a single mom, like you don’t have the luxury of messing around because you just don’t have, you have limited time and energy.

But one of my things was after dinner the kitchen had to be clean, clean, clean. If you were gonna have a coffee or tea later, that’s fine. How much work is it to take a cup from the sink to the dishwasher that’s right next to it? If you left something in the sink that could just be in the dishwasher, that was not allowed.

So for a time I was working in the hospital before my business took off, and I, uh, for some reason I had to be at work very early, 6:00 in the morning one day. And so I’m up at 5:00 and I see there’s a glass in the sink. So I knocked gently on both my daughter’s door and said, “Excuse me, who, who left the glass in the sink?

Somebody forgot to put it in the dishwasher.” And that is the, that’s the story they love as their mean mom story. And they got it.

[00:19:00] Misty: Yeah.

[00:19:01] Laura: That’s not being angry. That’s not raising your voice. It’s consequences, and that’s life. I mean, life is not easy. We all know that. We have to prepare our children for that.

[00:19:10] Misty: Yeah. And I think as parents we can teach them consequences.

[00:19:14] Laura: Right.

[00:19:15] Misty: So what does it look like to be proactive in communication?

[00:19:20] Laura: Well, you gave a great example of that is the family meetings. Like-

[00:19:25] Misty: Mm …

[00:19:25] Laura: what do we want our week to look like? Uh, uh, let’s go to the opposite. So the opposite, when I was young, I thought I’m not gonna say anything unless it’s necessary, and then when people don’t do it the way I want them to do- Oh

then I’d be

[00:19:41] Misty: like, “

[00:19:41] Laura: How dare you. What’s wrong with you? Da, da, da, da,” instead of laying out expectations. That’s the probably the most accessible, needed way to be proactive. Mm-hmm. What do we expect? What do we want? What do we want our family to look like? I think the family meeting is brilliant. What do we want our week to look [00:20:00] like?

When you’re being proactive is when you decide in advance what you want something to look like. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna come out exactly like that, but you’re being proactive by setting the tone, setting the goal, and that helps everybody to know how to make their decisions. They may slip and fall or rebel.

[00:20:21] Misty: Uh-huh.

[00:20:21] Laura: But it’s better that than not, “Oh, I didn’t know I was supposed to be home by 11. Oh, I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to leave dishes in the dishwasher.” And-

[00:20:31] Misty: Mm. Being proactive in communicating the expectations.

[00:20:35] Laura: Yes. I think-

[00:20:35] Misty: Or, or the values that

[00:20:37] Laura: we- Right.

[00:20:38] Misty: Yeah. Right. E- even when we talk about it, I feel like a sense of calm just for all the moms I know who are feeling overwhelmed all the time.

I’m like, wow, that would just bring it down, wouldn’t it? Yeah. Everybody knows what today’s gonna look like or the week.

[00:20:54] Laura: What to, what to aim for, what to try to do and how- Yeah … to try to approach it. I, I-

[00:20:59] Misty: Yeah …

[00:20:59] Laura: I do think that that is v- valuable. Yeah. Very valuable.

[00:21:03] Misty: Okay, so I’m a mom. I’ve got to have a hard conversation, maybe with a teacher or my manager, or maybe even my husband.

Yeah. What do, what do I need to do to prepare for a difficult conversation?

[00:21:15] Laura: Uh, well, pray.

[00:21:17] Misty: Okay.

[00:21:19] Laura: Uh, make sure you don’t have low blood sugar. You know, in, in conversations, there’s the controllable factors, and there’s the not controllable factors. So as much as you can do to be in a good place, not to not be- On edge.

If you can take a walk, if you can stretch your body. We tend to accumulate tension. It, I’m not saying that you can always do all of these things every single time, but, uh, think about, okay, what’s gonna help me be more calm? Okay. So that’s like a pre-conversation, and then be very clear on your purpose. You know, “Misty-

[00:21:50] Misty: Mm

[00:21:50] Laura: I, I wanna talk to you about this topic. It’s important to me that we resolve this because it’s causing me stress and anxiety, and I’m not able to sleep at night, and I feel like understood,” or whatever the thing is, but set the goal, the point of the conversation, like why you’re having it. That is important because they’re gonna be defensive if they’re sensing that you’re attacking them or if you’re angry.

Baby steps are good. Remember, it’s a continuum. It’s assuming positive intent.

[00:22:21] Misty: So it’s like assuming the best, right?

[00:22:23] Laura: We all are trying to be good, and we’re trying to be capable, and we’re trying to be smart, and that- Right … everybody self-identifies as good, smart, and capable, and when you push up against that, it’s, the defense is in.

[00:22:41] Misty: Oh, okay. Like if I’m bringing you something that would indicate-

[00:22:47] Laura: Mm-hmm …

[00:22:48] Misty: that you’re not good, smart, and capable. Yeah.

[00:22:51] Laura: Like you’re not very smart, ’cause if otherwise- Yeah … you would’ve gotten this.

[00:22:54] Misty: That’s the psychology behind what is going on in people’s psyche as all- Right … the talk is happening or not happening.

If you got to give one piece of wisdom that your daughter was gonna grab hold of and run with- What would that one thing that you would leave her with be?

[00:23:23] Laura: Oh, Misty, that is such a good question. I have so much to tell them. I think they’re both great moms, but I wish they would be a little bit more patient with their husbands.

Coming from somebody who raised them with very high expectations, it’s good to have them, but you have to understand that not everybody has that same background, and you have to, like you, we alluded to earlier, appreciate the good things. Spend more time thinking about those good qualities and less time about the opportunities for improvement.

[00:23:59] Misty: So you would just [00:24:00] really encourage them to look at the good-

[00:24:02] Laura: Yes …

[00:24:03] Misty: and lean into the good qualities in their husbands.

[00:24:08] Laura: Husbands are also under attack and- Yeah … not valued. We all know- Yeah … they’re highly, highly imperfect people.

[00:24:15] Misty: And so am I.

[00:24:17] Laura: So here we are, right?

[00:24:18] Misty: Yeah.

[00:24:19] Laura: Just the, the grace.

[00:24:20] Misty: I’m newly married, less than five now.

It’s easy to see the things that are imperfect.

[00:24:27] Laura: Yes, it is.

[00:24:28] Misty: A part of my morning routine and one of my habits is say something kind or recognize something, a unique quality in my husband every day.

[00:24:39] Laura: That’s investing-

[00:24:40] Misty: Yes … in the

[00:24:41] Laura: relationship. Yes. Good job.

[00:24:42] Misty: And so now I will say every day that doesn’t happen, but it is on my list of things to do every day.

[00:24:50] Laura: Right, and that’s directing your thinking process. Mm-hmm. That’s beautiful.

[00:24:53] Misty: I love it. And so I have to work on it because I don’t want- Yes … to be grumbly, fussy, ugly wife.

[00:25:01] Laura: Yeah.

[00:25:01] Misty: You know? So Laura, you have given us a lot to think about as far as communicating authentically, communicating clearly.

[00:25:13] Laura: Right.

[00:25:13] Misty: I love what you said, be clear on the purpose-

[00:25:17] Laura: Yes

when

[00:25:17] Misty: you’re getting ready to engage in a difficult conversation. So being proactive-

[00:25:23] Laura: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm …

[00:25:24] Misty: and thinking about that before you just jump in.

[00:25:27] Laura: Yes.

[00:25:27] Misty: Right? Yeah, I know, right? But you know, we need to hear it.

[00:25:31] Laura: Mm-hmm.

[00:25:31] Misty: Write it down and- Try to learn to incorporate just even one of these-

[00:25:38] Laura: Exactly …

[00:25:38] Misty: tools that- One at a

[00:25:39] Laura: time

[00:25:39] Misty: you’ve given. As a c- uh, communication coach, do you have any tools or, um, any offerings that could help us as women understand more about communication?

[00:25:55] Laura: Well, definitely. If you want to work on communication, my podcast gives you little 10-minute nuggets- Oh, yes, it

[00:26:02] Misty: does …

[00:26:03] Laura: you know, all the time. So even though it says and it is geared to prepare people for senior leadership, who’s the senior leader in your home?

That would be you. So yes, ma’am. Of course.

[00:26:16] Misty: Right.

[00:26:16] Laura: All, all of those things can be applied. So I would advise people to check out the Speak Up, Develop Your Executive Presence podcasts. And then there’s a link that you have to a communication style assessment, which will give you your default. We all have our default, so if you take that assessment, it will give you your default mode of communication so you’ll know what to look out for in other people.

Help.

[00:26:46] Misty: I wanna say yes and amen to your podcast. There are great communication nuggets on that, ’cause you are the executive in your home.

[00:26:58] Laura: Yes, everybody listening to that. You’re the boss. Yeah. You have more influence than you realize. Inside your home, of course, but in your circle of influence, at church, nonprofit work.

I mean, people are looking to you.

[00:27:10] Misty: I’ll put all the links-

[00:27:11] Laura: Okay …

[00:27:11] Misty: to the podcast and the communication-

[00:27:16] Laura: Style

[00:27:17] Misty: assessment … style assessment and your contact information in case any- Yeah … any of our listeners are looking for coaching for how to communicate in their business place or in their home theater.

Yeah. So-

[00:27:29] Laura: Absolutely …

[00:27:30] Misty: definitely want them to be able to get ahold of you. I am always so appreciative when seasoned moms come on the show and we can learn and lean in from the wisdom that you’ve grown in, because you’ve had to learn this. It doesn’t come easily. You’ve had to learn. It didn’t come naturally to you.

Thank you for sharing with us and all the women that will listen to this.

[00:27:56] Laura: My pleasure. And I thank– I want you all to realize, being a [00:28:00] mom, I mean, that’s job number one. Thank you. You’re bringing the future to reality, and it’s c- shaped through your work. You’re talking to them. You’re listening to them, the way you decorate, the way you cook, like, all of that.

You’re creating these micro ecosystems, developing humans, and thank you for doing that.

[00:28:23] Misty: Okay. Did you get all of the amazing tips and tricks that Laura had for us today? These tools, they are timeless, and I want to leave you with these three words: proactive, purposeful, present.

These three words, they change the atmosphere of your whole home, of your workspace, and today’s episode was an invitation for you to begin to develop the muscles so that you can enter into conversations and relationships fully alive and fully free Remember, you carry more influence over how your people feel than you realize. I don’t say that to put pressure on you.

I remind you of that to invite you to begin to practice just one thing from our conversation this week. Pick a conversation with a spouse, with a child, with a business partner, and enter into that

conversation

with these simple words: “Let me make sure I understand.” It will change the temperature of that whole conversation

And remember, if you’re trying to incorporate the margin and the rhythms you need so that you move through life from a basis of relationship and responding, not reacting, please download my Rhythms of Renewal mini guide. It will offer you some tools that you can use to help you move out of overwhelm into peace, presence, and purpose.

Now, remember, hit that follow button because next week, another one of our top five episodes, letting go of control and finding peace as a mom. There’s that word again, peace. It’s something I hear over and over again from the moms that I encounter and the moms that I coach

 when you communicate with purpose, you’re not just keeping the peace in your home. You’re showing up in a way that shows everyone what it looks like to actually live from peace. Remember, mom, when you shine, you make space, and you give permission for others to shine, too. I’m Misty Hughes. This is Mom to Mom Mentoring. Now, go shine